Most of the credit needs to go to penises. Without them, Baywatch, the raunchy, R-rated movie reboot, would have to find an entirely new inspiration for its amateur jokes. Based on the classically campy television series, director Seth Gordon (Horrible Bosses) brings the jacked up, tan beach bods, bouncing boobies, and beautiful beaches to the big screen. Simultaneously, any sign of finesse or hilarity is left to drown in the deep blue sea. Where’s a lifeguard when you need one?
Mitch Buchannon is back but he ain’t no David Hasselhoff. Dwayne Johnson, everyone’s favorite big Samoan with great teeth, has taken command and he can run just as good as the Hoff, in case some of you were worried. C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) sexes up the beach, unable to escape the slow-motion of her every move. No one sees that more than Ronnie (Jon Bass II), a doofus trainee who gets a boner for C.J. every time she breathes his way.
Matt Brody (Zac Efron) is a bad boy Olympic gold medalist whose community service just happens to be with the Bay squad. He’s never been a team player so butting heads with Mitch is inevitable. For starters, Mitch only calls him by boy bands and a very familiar Disney musical. A running joke that sinks pretty quickly. And there’s more where that came from, so you might as well get used to it.
All of Brody’s attention is on Summer (Alexandra Daddario), another “well-deserving” trainee. He can’t keep his eyes off of her rack, but she just can’t help herself by showing him some love any way. It has to be the abs. Together, the team don’t just save people from drowning, they are also hellbent on bringing down indurate drug lord Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra). She’ll use her rock candy to make their beach her bitch.
Baywatch is all beauty and no brains. Gordon, along with more than a few writers, had to know most of their dialogue wasn’t going to create laughs. There was hope if the right people said them aloud, we just wouldn’t be able to resist the chuckles that will force their way out. Bad news everyone, the movie continuously tries to barely keep their head above water. Don’t get me wrong, Johnson really tries, but even with all of his might, he’s just doggy-paddling through. Efron’s self-mockery of a pretty boy doesn’t come close to his comedic breakthrough in Neighbors. The material should take most of that blame.
On occasion, Baywatch seems to be in on the joke, that is until it becomes one. I wish I could report the red life preservers are in good hands. Instead, I say they should’ve stayed in the 90’s and on television where they belong. Wake me up when they make a hard rated R Saved By the Bell movie.
Brandon Vick is the resident film critic of the SoBros Network, and star of Brandon’s Box Office In Your Mouth. Follow him on Twitter@SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.
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