Dozens of slithery surprises found in Walmart parking lot https://t.co/ua2e59KQbp pic.twitter.com/X3KCSUqilH
— Region 8 News (@Region8News) April 25, 2017
*BLUH* *BLEH* *YAK* – sorry, that’s just the sound of me losing my lunch after reading about this. I’m a little light-headed, almost passed out, but fuckin’ A, I’ve got NEWS to report!
Shoppers got a big scare at a Walmart in Arkansas after somebody dumped dozens of snakes in the parking lot over the weekend, police said.
“After we got one of our officers who is apparently some sort of snake whisperer, we learned that they are non-venomous garden snakes,” Paragould Detective Jack Hailey told KAIT.
Hailey said it appeared that someone collected the snakes — as many as 40 of them — and dumped them in a pile in the parking lot Sunday night.
WHO DOES THIS TO PEOPLE?!?! Bill Clinton, get your damn state in order. Also, most underrated aspect of this story is that there’s a police officer in Arkansas who is “some sort of snake whisperer.” This guy probably moonlights as an auctioneer, too. I just imagine all police officers in Arkansas are these sorts of dynamic renaissance men. Some charm snakes and auction off old bed frames. Others can knit sweaters catch fish with nothing but a whistle. Just total wild cards – that’s how I imagine my Arkansas police force.
Anyway, back to the snakes. I’m sure the rational fact that these were non-venomous garden snakes will cure that nightmares currently being had by individuals with irrational fear of snakes. Won’t be a problem at all.
NO – snakes are snakes, people. It doesn’t matter – I don’t want to take any chances with something that could slither up my butthole without my consent. That’s the primary danger of encountering a snake in the wild, by the way. Not many people know that.
“They were collecting them for this reason, and I don’t think that was the best thing to do at all,” he added. “It could cause a panic with people trying to get away.”
“I don’t think that was the best thing to do at all” is the most accurate assessment of this situation that any one person could provide.
And, you know the Wal-Marts down in Arkansas have to be booming at all times. I mean, that’s the land that Wal-Mart built for God’s sake. These people are probably traumatized – OF COURSE someone’s going to be trampled in a stampede of panicked Arkansas natives. Just imagine all the FUPAs and bull hooves coming at you full steam.
No one wants that.
“If you like to play with snakes, keep them in their natural habitats where they belong. It is not cute. It is going to get somebody hurt.”
Yeah, haven’t you fuckers seen Snakes On A Plane?
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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