Bad news today for some of those furry little rodents trying to be brave where they shouldn’t. I don’t know what got into this little guy’s head that made him think it was acceptable to just shoot people dirty looks, but he picked the wrong damn neighborhood to do it in. It cost the bastard his life. Let this story be a warning to all of the other squirrels thinking about crawling into Staten Island and raising some hell…
A man was arrested in Staten Island for allegedly shooting a squirrel with a crossbow, killing the animal because he didn’t like the way it looked at him, officials and sources said Wednesday.
Jonathan Mangia, 27, faces charges of prohibited use of a weapon and reckless endangerment.
The suspected shooter told police he killed the squirrel because it gave him “a dirty look” while it climbed his house, a law enforcement source said.
Now, at first glance, this may seem a bit excessive, sure. You probably have a few questions. Me? Shit, I know people in Staten Island – people I’d never fuck with for anything in the world. I mean, primarily because I like them and they bring enjoyment and happiness into my life, but secondarily because I’m fully convinced if I ever did decide to fuck with them, I would end up with two permanent black eyes and permanently broken ribs. But, we’re based out of Nashville, Tennessee, so some of our readers might have never visited Staten Island. You might be wondering, “why did this dude have a crossbow? You can’t hunt in a neighborhood!”
Well, a couple of points there – First, in the Northeast, guns just aren’t as big as they are in the South. I mean, we get ridiculed by the rest of the country because of our love for guns, but it’s true. A reliable source in New Jersey once told me, “people don’t get shot up here. They get stabbed.” That’s infinitely worse, in my opinion, but hey – people aren’t as likely to have a guns up there as they are down here. What’s a man to do when a squirrel gives him a dirty look? Stab it? Good luck getting close enough to a squirrel to stab it with a knife.
And, don’t act like you aren’t impressed, Tennessee. I know half of you reading this will go out in the backyard and try to shoot a squirrel with your crossbow later. Except here, that’s dinner. That’s not any sort of assertion of dominance or rage shooting. That’s “let’s fry up some squirrels, honey” – yeah, people eat squirrels. Watch an episode of Duck Dynasty if it’s even still on the air.
Second, in case I wasn’t clear enough, you just plain don’t fuck with people from Staten Island.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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