This season continues to be…what are the kids saying these days? Hot ass fire? I think so. This season of Game of Thrones continues to be hot ass fire. Tonight’s episode was monumental, so let’s try and process it all. Allow me to provide my extremely handsome commentary.
Jon Meet Dany. Dany Meet Jon.
Jon sails all the way down from the North, and his plan is to just ask for Dany’s help in facing the White Walkers? What?! Jon…cool your jets, homeboy. That’s like asking someone to marry you after a first date. Like Tyrion says, that’s an unreasonable thing to ask. Both parties have committed to their own battles. Dany is set on taking King’s Landing and overthrowing Cersei. Jon is set on defending the North from the army of the dead.
So, things were a little tense. I’m not going to lie – it probably could have gone better. It was like having two long-time friends that you know would be perfect for each other but they’ve never crossed paths for some reason. So, you set them up, all the while thinking, “hot damn – FIRE AND ICE, BABY! The stars have aligned!” Then, you sit and watch as they awkwardly try and feel each other out and realize you’ve made a huge mistake. Yeah, that’s what it felt like to me.
But, I think we made progress tonight. We all know Jon doesn’t really give two shits about all of the political stuff. Plus, he’s preparing for a much more menacing threat than Cersei Lannister. What he needs are the stores of dragon glass at Dragonstone. Of course, the problem is that Dany definitely totally wants Jon to bend the knee. So, we hit a stalemate.
Luckily, Tyrion is present to sort it out all out. As it turns out, dragon glass doesn’t mean shit to Dany. So, she agrees to let Jon mine it out to forge his White Walker-killing weapons. I couldn’t help but laugh thinking about how much this means to Jon, and Dany and Tyrion are just like, “yeah, man – whatever. Take it.” That would be like someone driving to Nashville all the way from Canada to say, “Stoney – we really need that spare set of dishes in your cabinet.”
Nonetheless, as the episode progresses, we see tensions ease. Given the circumstances we saw unfold by episode’s end, I’d say Jon isn’t going to have much of a choice but to help Dany take down Cersei. We’ll get to all of that soon enough.
Cersei Lannister Cold af
Seriously, why does anyone try and mess with Cersei anymore? She legit poisoned Tyene Sand right in front of her mother Ellaria Sand’s eyes. Then, she ordered the torches to be changed quickly so that Ellaria would have to watch her daughter die. Just the latest line of slow, painful deaths at the hands of Cersei.
Bran Is Back in Winterfell
Sansa was summoned to the gate after taking some seedy advice from Little Finger. Lo and behold, it’s her long, lost brother Bran, and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING! Since we last saw him, it seems as though Bran is more depressed than ever and definitely seems to be detaching from humanity. Seriously, Bran is coming for Jon’s “Mopiest Character” crown. I’m sure it’ll all work out, though.
He tells Sansa that he needs to speak with Jon, and I think we know where this is heading. Jon is about to find out what Bran saw in the vision of the Tower of Joy. As a reminder, Bran saw Jon’s true lineage – that he is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. So, it seems as though Jon is going to find out in the coming episodes. GET HYPE.
If You’re Keeping Score, the Lannisters Are Winning
Yikes. Not a good a week for the Mother of Dragons. All of Dany’s allies are dying and all of her plans are failing miserably. It all sounded so well in practice – take Casterly Rock, sail to King’s Landing, and there you go. But, the Lannisters just let them have Casterly Rock. Instead, Jaime took their army to wipe out the Tyrells. So, now let’s recap – Euron captured Yara, Theon fled, Ellaria is a prisoner, and the Sand Snakes are dead or dying. Olenna is dead, too, so that basically leaves Dany with the Dothraki horde, a dwindling army of the Unsullied, and the dragons. As we know, that sharp, slimy asshat Qyburn has cooked up a dragon-killing bow. So, yeah – things aren’t looking too hot right now.
To make matters worse, Dany’s advisers aren’t exactly a bunch of hardened warriors, so maybe they don’t have this whole “war” thing down. Their plans clearly aren’t working. She could use a more war-hardened person guiding her efforts. I feel like the ideal person should be loyal to her, be a tremendous asset in battle, and definitely should not have greyscale. Hmmmm….it also might help if this person had a strong connection with someone that may be friends with Jon who could convince him to help Dany’s cause….hmmm….
Olenna Tyrell Is Still a Bad Bitch
Indeed, Jaime and the Lannister army went where Dany’s army wasn’t. It was brilliant, and they slaughtered the Tyrells, leaving Olenna alone to face her demise. At first, it looked like they were going to have a nice chat. I got a definite, “well, hey – it is what it is” vibe from her, but I should have known better.
There’s no other way for the Queen of Thorns to go out than throwing absolutely pure, unadulterated shade at Cersei. Even with her final words, she cut deep. And, in case you need a transcript, BOOM:
“I’d hate to die like your son.. clawing at my own throat. Foam and bile spilling up from my mouth. I couldn’t imagine how it must have been for you to watch, as a member of the King’s Guard.. as a father. It was quite a shocking scene — not at all what I intended. I had never used the poison before. Tell Cersei; I want her to know it was me.”
I’m going to miss that sharp tongue – seeing her completely emasculate her opposition was one of the most entertaining parts of the show. I’m not sure what that says about me, personally, but I dig it. Jaime convinced Cersei to have mercy on Olenna, but after that, I’m thinking he’d love to have that one back.
Not sure if you noticed, but I think they further sowed the seeds of Jaime’s growing distance from Cersei there, too. I’m still holding on to the theory that he will ultimately kill Cersei, perhaps as he did The Mad King before.
Notes
*Good to see Jorah walk out of The Citadel without having gravel for skin. Who knew that simply peeling the gravel skin off and putting some ointment on it was the trick? That feels like a major oversight here. Anyway, I thought for sure Sam was at least going to get a spanking, but no – he just has to re-write some books. I thought he loved knowledge?
*I could do without hearing Euron Greyjoy talking about putting fingers in people’s bums.
*When did Sansa learn so much about armor?
*How about Davos hittin’ the ground QUICK when the dragon flew overhead?! Don’t tell me that man still can’t sling it on the battlefield. He looked as nimble as ever.
*Another episode, another glimpse at just how big of a bitch Theon Greyjoy is.
*I’m going to need more zingers from Bronn. Don’t just show him riding around on a horse.
*Dany’s interest definitely piqued when Davos said that Jon took a knife in the heart for his people. But, they knew they couldn’t go in there talking about zombies and the long winter AND how Jon came back from the dead. Only one crazy thing at a time. I’m sure she’ll find out in due time.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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