It’s Halloween season, people. We are officially two weeks away from All Hallow’s Eve, a holiday that I believe is a celebration of the devil’s birthday. If only a credible news source could inform me of the history of Halloween – oh WAIT – we have that covered on this very web site. Thanks, Rubber Rooster.
Anyway, it’s getting into crunch time. While you’ve probably put your costume in order, or at least have the idea, you may still be lining up your actual plans. It’s a tricky holiday to manage. Let’s be real – you can go out on the town, indulge in some binge drinking, and have questionable sex with a stranger. You go that route, you increase the risk of both a DUI and STD exponentially. I’ve never been a fan of DUIs and STDs, personally, but to each his own. If that excites you, then I say go for it. It’s America.
But, for me – I think the route to go is always finding a nice house party to go to, or even better….hosting your own. That’s right – you could have a Halloween blasty blast without even leaving the comfort of your own home. It’s the way to go. You can still flirt with alcohol poisoning. If you open it up to friends of friends, you might could still get laid by a person you don’t know. All without the risk of spending a night in jail or picking up trash on the side of the road in an orange jumpsuit. Or, maybe you have kids, and the accountability of being responsible for a young human’s life influences your decision.
Well, folks, if you don’t know by now, this is just what we are here to do. We help people.
I happen to have planned dozens of parties in my day, and people say that I have a knack for it. So, I figured why not give back to the community? Why not offer my invaluable insight here and maybe make the holidays less stressful?
The first thing you have to decide is whether kids can come or not. You have to make up your mind of how much you’re going to let hang out before you can even begin to plan. If there’s at least a 70% chance of exposed breasts or penises, you gotta say ‘no kids allowed.’ If you are only inviting family members older than 50 years old, it might be safe for the kids to attend.
Every party I’ve ever hosted has had like a…..2% chance of tits, and 100% chance of dicks, so I only really plan raunchy parties. We’ll start there.
Planning A Raunchy Party
The first thing you have to do is dictate the ambience. Whatever mood you want to set will guide your planning. If this is going to be a rager, you’re going to want loud decorum. If it’s just a few friends gathering, then maybe elect for a calm bonfire instead.
Decorations – This is probably the most difficult thing to manage when planning a Halloween party. It’s easy to overdo it, but you should never spend more than 80% of your budget on decorations. Too much and it can get tacky. For instance, you don’t have to decorate every room in your home, but you need enough to make high-traffic areas festive. Personally, I always go with streamers…like….EVERYWHERE. But, the fuckers are like 75 cents a pop! How can you go wrong?
If you want a rager, you might think about having some really scary decor. That would make for some great moments when you’re all hopped up on hard drugs. Maybe invest in a defibrillator just in case. If you’re going the laid back route, maybe a few jack o’lanterns and flashing lights.
Home made stuff is always a hit, too. One year, I sliced my hand open with a kitchen knife and smeared my blood all over the walls. It was really cost-effective and I could see my guests were terrified upon realizing that was actually my blood.
Organization – Think about the layout of your home and have a plan. Where are you going to set the food? The bar? Where do you expect people will hang out? Is there always a clear path to the bathroom? Do you want any of the house off-limits? You have to think about these things to avoid having a situation where people are mixing drinks next to the bathroom. No one wants to hear Denise shitting as they’re mixing up a nice mojito. I would advise setting snacks out on the coffee table, main dishes in the dining room, and your bar in the living room. Keep things spread out unless you’ve only invited four people – then shit, don’t even worry about it. Just put stuff out on the countertops in the kitchen and run with it.
Music – Well, your playlist is honestly probably going to depend on whether or not you have a dance floor. If you don’t, then some chill music will suffice. Nice, environmental tones with some spooky vibes mixed in. But, if you have a legitimate dance floor, you’ll want to feature a lot of dance songs. A mix of classics and today’s finest pop hits, and you can never go wrong.
You think you have a dance floor? Do one thing for me: check the floor. If you look down and see hardwood, concrete, or tile, you are good to go. If you look down and see carpet, bitch you do not have a dance floor. People should never dance on carpet. It does not provide a smooth enough surface to really get into your moves, and all that friction will stir up static electricity like nothing else.
Food – Chili is usually cheap and easy to make. By the end of October, your guests will be in the spirit for it, too. This is a good route to take if you want the night to end early. One shit at a party is acceptable, but once people realize they are going to spend the night shitting, they will leave the party out of embarrassment. So, just gauge the room. You may
If you’re serving vegans, vegetarians, and omnivores, feel free to go mow your backyard and place the lawn trimmings in a bowl. They will love it.
Finally, if you do choose to throw a rager, maybe skip food altogether and just create a spread of popular hard drugs.
Strippers – It’s a luxury, I know. But, one of the writers on this staff who shall not be named attended a Halloween party in recent years that featured strippers, and added that it was a nice touch. If you have money for hookers, it’s a surefire way of sending your guests home happy. Just be sure you don’t run out of towels in the bathroom. But, that’s a problem that can be managed with a little foresight.
Planning A Kids Party
Buy a box of popcorn, rent Hocus Pocus or The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, and sit and think about the days when you used to black out on Halloween and go home with a stranger. I’m sorry, but the raunchy parties are my specialty. This is just my best guess at how to entertain children – I don’t know…..sorry if you chose ‘kids party’ and scrolled down just to read this.
Happy Halloween.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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