Since our little blog decided to boycott WSMV after they decided to bump Nashville’s greatest weatherman from the morning broadcast, I’ve been shopping my loyalty around. I tried News Channel 5…after all, I grew up on Channel 5! Didn’t stick. Switched over to WKRN, and that’s a pretty good news team. Certainly worse ways to spend your morning. But, ultimately, it hasn’t stuck much either. Maybe I’m just a little burnt out.
Truth be told, I actually just quit watching the news altogether and now I just listen to 104.5 The Zone. But, in the countless hours I’ve spent thinking about this dilemma, one question just keeps coming to mind. If you know this web site, you know it’s an important one. All we do is hard-hitting news and journalism around here. The question:
Let’s say each news team meets in the streets a la Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy – who wins?
The rules are obviously ‘No Holds Barred,’ considering Brick kills a guy with a trident. At one point, someone is set on fire. So, it’s safe to say these teams can bring any manner of weapon they see fit. Since there’s construction all over the city, it should not be too hard to find a large pipe or some random blunt instrument.
Honestly, the more I think about it, this is a two-horse race. Fox 17 just doesn’t show up. Honestly, I kind of forgot that Fox 17 was even around. No offense, of course. But, I thought Fox 17 was ONLY around to deliver weather forecasts towards the end of Preds games in Bridgestone Arena.
And, if you run through the News Channel 5 roster, based on what I’ve seen on my television, this is a group of people who are too nice to get their hands dirty. Jon Burton was a pro wrestler and did time in Pittsburgh – there’s no doubt the man could hold his own in such a chaotic environment. But, WKRN and WSMV probably realize what a threat he is, and team up to take him out early. The rest of the News Channel 5 team shows up without weapons. They attempt to talk through the reason they’re fighting, but there is no reason, so the much tougher WKRN and WSMV teams simply maul them.
(Editor’s note: Burton didn’t actually go to jail in Pittsburgh (that I know of), it’s just that living there for any given period of time equates to time spent in prison)
So, this battle comes down to WKRN vs. WSMV, and there are some real wild cards on both sides.
First of all, WSMV could probably use Paul Heggen, but they have relegated him to the weekend fight that no one else shows up to, so he’s out. Obviously, WSMV is going to rally behind Big Joe Dubin, but I just don’t know that they have the depth to really back him up. Chris Harris definitely has his back, but let’s just say Davis Nolan didn’t get where he is today without knocking out a few punks in a back alley somewhere. He just has that kind of vibe about him. It’s about experience over size (that’s what she said). He’s the type of guy that’s going to pull a Louisville slugger out of his slacks and chop the Big Joe tree down. They eliminate Dubin from the equation, and Cory Curtis can run roughshod over WSMV. At least that’s the strategy here.
Jared Plushnick definitely has that spider monkey vibe and is going to land a few paws, but Dan Thomas just puts a body on him. Thomas lands one haymaker and it’s lights out for Plushnick. Josh Breslow is going to jump in to save his boy Jared. But, Alan Frio is a guy to watch here. There’s something about him that makes me think he’s willing to go nuclear to win. Like, you can’t trust this loose cannon to fight fair.
Breslow is focused on Thomas when Frio pulls out the jumper cables. Shock city for Breslow, and there’s a moment for Thomas when he’s grateful for Frio saving his life, but also a tad mortified by Frio literally electrocuting someone. Not just that he did it, but also that he took the time to plug in the generator and made sure it was in an ideal location for the brawl. Just a totally unchained move, but that’s Frio for you, I guess.
At this point, it would be nice if WSMV had Snowbird around to cause some sort of distraction. They need to re-group desperately but they fuckin’ fired Snowbird so he can’t help ’em out.
The serious news face that Cherish Lombard makes basically says, “I’m no woman to fuck with.” With Paige Hill and Nikki Burdine on her side, I’d say WSMV’s ladies are in trouble. Melanie Layden is up to the task. She can throw a punch, for sure. But, Lisa Spencer, Holly Thompson, and Daphne DeLoren all sit back, judging these talented professionals for devolving matters into a street fight. Tsk tsk. As a result, the WKRN ladies overpower Layden.
All the while, the two Nashville legends, Demetria Kalodimos and Bob Mueller watch on like esteemed generals watching their troops do battle.
The x-factor in all of this is Neil Orne. I don’t want to build the guy up too much, but he’s definitely the James Bond of Nashville media. Every morning I’ve watched WKRN, I’ve thought to myself, “yeah that guy’s a secret agent.”
So, naturally, Orne takes two steps, snaps his fingers, winks at the camera, and the entire WSMV team keels over. Except, of course, Paul Heggen, who is at home training for the weekend fight he’s been relegated to. Something about Orne just screams, “I’m going to kill everyone on this train without staining my suit. Then, I’m going to have a martini, and you’re going to swear you saw a literal sparkle in my white teeth when I smile.”
Ultimately, the edge goes to WKRN here. I’m officially declaring them the 2017 Nashville News Team Anchorman Street Fight Champions, and I can’t wait to read J.R. Lind‘s headline for this one!
Anyway, that’s just how I see things shaking down. Now, I need to get back to real journalism, folks. I can’t sit here and have these fever dreams for your entertainment all day.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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