You Don’t Say – Blue Jackets Prospect Carson Meyer Shat Out a 25-inch Tapeworm

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Rough and shocking news trickling out of the NHL in the last couple of days. It appears as though they’ve figured out what has been causing Blue Jackets prospect Carson Meyer to fall ill and HINT: it could have been the damn 25-inch TAPEWORM that was living in his body for A YEAR:

Courtesy of Deadspin:

Columbus Blue Jackets prospect and former Miami (Ohio) hockey player Carson Meyer might look really tired in the above image from a June 2017 interview, but any visible gauntness might be from the fact that he had a goddamn tapeworm in his body for, according to doctors, a full year.

Meyer’s 2017-18 season with the RedHawks was totally derailed because of the parasite, as The Athletic’s Aaron Portzline reported in lovely detail. The prospect had no appetite, lost weight, and was falling asleep during drills. Test results couldn’t pinpoint it to mononucleosis or something similar. Meyer finally discovered what was draining his energy when he sat on the toilet in February:

“I was going to the bathroom, just like normal,” Meyer said. “And it came out.”

It was a 25-inch tapeworm — the head, the neck and all of the segments, about 50 of them. It was orange. Meyer almost fainted.

I guess you’d classify this as a lower body injury, huh?

But, seriously, you can’t blame the guy for fainting, can you? This is some Alien level shit right here. Tapeworms are incredibly dangerous, and I’m just thankful this story had a happy ending with that damn thing getting shat out. I just hope it’s not like Stranger Things and Meyer is connected to the Upside-Down for the rest of his life. I also hope he didn’t gain some tapeworm super powers in all of this, too. How lame would it be to finally break through, gain superpowers, and it’s like…”aw I can communicate with tapeworms now.”

There’s a larger story behind this, and it’s quite interesting. I just can’t help but wonder how something like this can happen. How did so many people miss it? I mean, I look at that picture of Meyer and I can tell right away that there’s something

Can y’all believe people actually willingly and knowingly consume tapeworms as a dieting gimmick? No shit – it’s out there. I want to lose weight as much as the next guy, but there’s no way in HELL I’m ingesting a tapeworm. People crazy, y’all.

Again, let’s just reiterate how great it is that we can joke about this story (specifically proud of that ‘lower body injury’ crack), and it didn’t end any differently.

R.I.P. 25-inch tapeworm, you literal piece of shit.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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