Big news out of Miami recently, as there’s apparently a mean ass rooster that’s terrorizing a neighborhood.
There are rescue dogs, saved from abusive owners and placed in loving homes. Then there is Payo. He is a rescue rooster. He was doomed to die in a Santería ceremony. Just as his neck was to be slit, Payo’s adoptive family swooped in. They persuaded the priest to sacrifice another animal. They brought Payo home and set him free in the backyard.
First of all, what the fuck kind of stuff do they do down in Miami? I always knew it was sort of decadent place, but this is downright creepy. I didn’t know this is how they partied down there – slittin’ roosters’ throats open.
Anyway, how did the people who saved the rooster end up at the ritual sacrifice if they weren’t on board with the throat slitting to begin with?
So many questions.
He’s not a reticent rooster. He likes to crow — very early and very loudly, as roosters are wont to do.
He attacks dogs, cats and even people whom he considers threats to his territory.
Payo is cock of the walk on his once-quiet block.
“The other day I heard people screaming and I came outside and saw them running down the street. They were being chased by the rooster,” said Andrea Lozano, who lives two houses down from Payo. “He’s fast and aggressive. He harasses dogs. He comes right up to my neighbor’s glass door and pecks on it to aggravate his cats.”
This is a wild ass story. So many layers that you can read about in the WKRN article. But, for the purposes of what we do here at this “media company,” I can’t go into all the details or else we’ll have a full-scale feature on our hands and I just don’t have the time to write that. It took me weeks to get around to this feature on automation, and I just don’t think the murderous rooster is that important.
Anyway, this mean little shit is runnin’ wild on this neighborhood like Hulkamania in the early 90s. I got it: Cockamania. Cockamania is running wild in Miami!
I don’t know what it says about me that I’m reading this article and gritting my teeth like, “I wish this rooster would try me.” Humble brag: I can punch really hard. Given the size discrepancy between me and your average rooster, it would be like Thanos punching Rocket Raccoon.
And, no I’m not above making the fact that I’d punch the shit out of a chicken public knowledge. Am I proud of myself? No. But, am I ashamed? No. Someone needs to put this demon in his place and remind him of his place in the food chain.
But, all kidding aside, I think I have the perfect solution. Let’s ritually sacrifice this bitch to Col. Sanders. Everyone wins.
The only fitting place for this creature is in a bucket at KFC. I hope all the people from the Facebook comment thread (read the story) come and find me and call me uncivilized for this.
Anyway, I’m going to go get a chicken wrap now that I’m craving chicken.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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