CMA Fest 2018 Is Upon Us – How to Survive

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If you’re a native Nashvillian, there are two ways you look at CMA Fest. You either embrace the chaos, throw on your finest cowboys boots and sundress, and enjoy the annual early-Summer tradition. Or, you avoid downtown at all cost. Now, it doesn’t mean there isn’t fun to be had. But, the influx of tourists, all the road closures, and the maddening traffic make it difficult

Am I excited about CMA Fest for any reason? No. By and large, I don’t like country music, I hate large crowds, and I sweat like a sonofabitch whether it’s a hundred or a hundred below outside. There is nothing but anxiety for me downtown during the festival. Absolutely nothing.

But, like catching the comically large guitar drop on New Year’s Eve, it’s something every Nashvillian has to at least check out once. You have to cross it off your Nashville bucket list. So, yeah – I’ve done the whole festival thing…once. I may never do it again.

Brandon and Poppa Bear may kill me for sharing this publicly, but I’m going to risk it. It was a few years ago, and we decided we were going to spend a Saturday doing all of the free activities surrounding CMA Fest. Didn’t have tickets to the big Nissan Stadium shows, but you really don’t need to. That’s the big secret, if you can call it a secret. You can get shitfaced drunk and see people playing country music without buying one of the big expensive ticket packages to get into the big shows.

So, we thought we’d give it a shot. Drank some Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Fire with our McDonald’s breakfast at 9AM. Hit up Doc Holliday’s on 2nd Avenue by around 10AM, and just started pounding drinks. At one point, Brandon and I lost Poppa Bear. We later found out he found someone selling “gator” on a stick, and he bought that and wandered off to watch Corey Smith.

I have no concept of time pertaining to this day….but at around 1-2PMish, Brandon and I crept into Riverfront Tavern for lunch….Brandon ordered a pepperoni sub, then got mad when it arrived and it wasn’t a pizza. Brandon was pumped to realize Tanya Tucker was playing the free stage at the Riverfront, so he went to watch her set. Poppa Bear and I were not interested, and we figured Brandon couldn’t do any harm on his own for some reason. So, we split up.

By this time, it’s probably 5-6PMish, and we go to Buffalo Billiards on 2nd Avenue for…you guessed it…more drinks. Except we didn’t tell Brandon. Somehow, he makes it to Buffalo’s, but he’s livid. Just fuming mad…”she didn’t even play “Two Sparrows in a Hurricane.””

Somehow we made it over to Nissan Stadium, and made it into a VIP tent somewhere as the sun began to set. I don’t remember much from this point in the night on, but I remember eating the shit out of some potato chips in that tent. We ventured over to midtown, had some shots at Rebar, and that’s honestly the last thing I remember before getting home.

I had the wherewithal to get my clothes off and get my disgusting, sweaty, sunburned ass into the shower and cleaned off. I got out, walked into the living room, and saw Brandon passed out on the floor and Poppa Bear sitting in the recliner eating McDonald’s.

All of this happened before 9PM. How we survived that day remains a mystery.

So, anyway – given that experience…here are some tips I can pass along to help make your festival experience a lot

CMA Fest Survival Tips

1. Stay hydrated – #1 rule, and undoubtedly what kept us alive that fateful day a few years ago. Between the three of us, someone was constantly saying, “we can’t forget to drink water.” It sort of sustained our zombie-like state for the better part of 12 hours, but we indeed did not die.

2. Sunscreen – I failed to wear sunscreen, did not realize how much I would be out in direct contact with the blazing sun, and take a wild guess who was sunburned to shit the next day.

3. Don’t forget to eat – It’s easy to get swept up in the fanfare, but you’re going to need all the energy you can get. I think a hearty lunch was one of the keys to saving our asses that day.

4. Designated driver – It goes without saying, but seriously, if you’re going to get blasted, make sure you have someone who can get you home safely. The SoBros First Lady took fine care of us that day. She made sure we all made it home despite saying she was never doing it again.

5. Wear gym shorts – It’s the dark horse of CMA Fest survival tips, but I decided to forego looking good that day in favor of remaining comfortable. It worked for me. If it got a little too hot, all I had to do was fan out the undercarriage. Then, I was good to go.

Keep those five tips in mind, and you’ll be golden. Stay safe out there, Nashville.

PS. I did not intend to shred country music in half the way I’ve done in this post here today. I apologize to anyone I may have offended. But, country music sucks…at least in 2018.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley