Welp – there’s yet another headline I never thought I’d write. But, that’s what they pay me the big bucks for. I’m posting this later in the day so hopefully you’ve all digested your breakfast and lunch. Or, hell – I don’t know maybe you’re into this sort of thing. I’ve never really been interested in eating people, but for one group of friends, the opportunity to ethically eat human foot meat was too good to pass up.
If you could taste human flesh in an ethical way, would you? It’s the kind of question you ask after watching Silence of the Lambs stoned. No matter how you respond, you never expect anyone to hold you to your answer. But in a recent Reddit post, user IncrediblyShinyShart shared the story of a motorcycle crash that put him face-to-face with the macabre hypothetical. When a car hit his bike and sent him careening into a nearby forest, his foot was shattered to the point that he would never walk on it again. When the doctor asked if he wanted to amputate, his one question was, “Can I keep it?”
The doctor said yes. On Sunday, July 10, 2016, three weeks after the accident, Shiny, who prefers to remain anonymous, invited 10 of his most open-minded friends to a special brunch. They ate apple strudel, quiche puff pastries, fruit tarts, and chocolate cake. They drank gin lemonade punches and mimosas. And then the main course came out: fajita tacos made from Shiny’s severed human limb.
I’m going to stop there for the sake of my stomach. The Vice article is extensive, and even has an interview with the guy. It’s a detailed journey of one group of friends and their different brand of Taco Tuesday. Now, let’s get on to the story.
I’m more grossed out that it’s a foot than anything else. Do I want to eat human flesh? No, but I’m not a bitch. I’m a man and I’m not afraid to admit my weaknesses. I don’t care if this motorcycle-riding zombie sounds like a total badass. I have a sensitive stomach and I feel like eating a human foot is just asking for complications such as gas and bad breath.
You want to talk about a hearty forearm? Maybe. Maybe.
But, a foot? I mean, I understand beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to cannibalism, but I would think there’d have to be a better standard. Feet are smelly as shit.
Side note – shout out to this dude’s friends. That’s a real group of ride or dies, man. I could’ve seen this going horribly wrong. You call up your buddies and are like, “hey, remember that time when we talked about eating human meat?” But, they actually answer the bell. I would’ve expected a response like, “dude we were just messing around – what the fuck is wrong with you?” But, nope – not these guys. They said, “you’re damn right we’re going to eat your foot!” Well, except for that one – you called that guy’s bluff and he ran for the hills.
But, I don’t think anyone should be ostracized for not wanting to eat someone’s foot. That seems fair.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube. Shop our store on Redbubble.
