Wild story to get to today, as one Pennsylvania couple is in some serious shit after tripping balls on bath salts.
Courtesy of our friends at WKRN:
Suspected bath salts, green lasers, and fireflies — State Police say they’re all part of this story that put two people in jail.
Troopers say 30-year-old Jesse Shields and 22-year-old Katherine McCloskey were high on suspected bath salts during a bizarre chain of events early Saturday morning.
According to investigators, the pair from Clinton County had a “bad trip” and thought that fireflies were green lasers coming from aliens who were after them.
State Police say Shields fired his revolver in the air to scare away the lasers and then ran to a nearby home on Long Run Road in Lamar Township, where he asked the homeowner to call the cops because something was chasing them.
Boy, I was considering bath salts before this. I thought they just relaxed you as you sat in the tub, trying to decompress after a long day.
I have a very stress filled life, and I do whatever I can to relax, but this just sounds like too much. I don’t think I want to sit in a tub full of something that’s going to basically turn me into a Gary Busey-esque werewolf.
Then again, what do we really know about extraterrestrials?
Maybe these people are perfectly normal and we’re just assuming things about them. That’s pretty convenient for us sitting all high and mighty from our ivory towers.
If Trump would build that got dang wall we wouldn’t have to worry about aliens shooting lasers at us!
State Police say the owner of that home was able to get the gun from Shields, who asked if he could take a shower to get the “goo” off his body because it was burning his skin.
Shields and McCloskey are both facing a slew of charges, including burglary, criminal trespass, public intoxication, and disorderly conduct.
If you ask me, it’s pretty heartless to turn away a neighbor in need when alien goo is burning his skin.
I would love to see the look on this person’s face when they asked him that, though. Like, some kid knocked on my door at the apartment at 11:30 one night saying we needed to go fight someone ’cause he watched him steal something off his porch.
I don’t typically engage with crazy people, but this guy was so charismatic that I couldn’t resist. I grabbed my brass knucks and we whooped the shit out of that magnolia tree (he said the magnolia tree was a guy named Rex who had been repeatedly taking his shoes off the porch and untying them).
Nah, that’s just a joke in case any cops are reading this. It’s all a joke, in fact – everything. My whole life. But, if I’m being serious for a second, I probably would call the cops, too.
Come to think of it, actually, I’d probably give this guy the Double J and bash my guitar over his head. Don’t piss me off, slap nuts. GOOD BYE.
But, you know who got away from this whole ordeal scot-free ? The fuckin’ aliens.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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