Does a snake massage sound enticing to you? Or, does it sound like nightmare fuel? It’s definite nightmare fuel to me, and I’m not even terribly afraid of snakes. Will I try and defeat the serpent if encountered in the wild? Of course. And, I have before. But, they’re still dangerous creatures, and if I can avoid contact with ’em altogether, that’s ideal.
So, it’s hard for me to fathom the idea of openly welcome the devil’s pets onto my face.
A strange new therapy is slithering up the charts in popularity. Snake massages are said to provide a thrilling kind of therapeutic relaxation.
For those who can stand it, the writhing motion and weight of a snake all over the body is supposed to be therapeutic, relieving stress and increasing blood flow to tight muscles.
The snake session in Poughkeepsie, New York is guided by a self-proclaimed snake priestess who calls herself the Serpentessa.
She says for 25 years she has specialized as an inter-species facilitator who guides snakes to slither and wrap around people, like Pam Kelly.
What? The Serpentessa?!?! What is this? Real life? Or, a comic book? Serpentessa sounds like a Thor villain. Also, where does one gain the training to become an “inter-species facilitator?”
Does she control the snakes????? Or, does she just make sure they don’t slither off the table?
There’s a lot of NOPE in this story, but I have to say, there are a lot of questions, too.
“There are no guarantees with a wild animal,” Serpentessa said about the safety of the therapy. “You are the one who’s going to choose if this is safe for you or not. Nobody has ever been hurt by one of my boa constrictors.”
She says people typically reach out to her for one of three reasons: healing, empowerment, or to get over their fear of snakes.
Or, they’re crazy. Maybe….juuuuuuust maybe Serpentessa is taking advantage of people who are in need of help. I don’t know – just throwing that out there. I wonder how that “you are the one who’s going to choose if this is safe or you or not” holds up in court one day when one of these things bites somebody right on the shnoz.
The price for a snake massage is $297.
Many doctors are skeptical about the benefits of such therapy and say it’s potentially dangerous.
Snake massages are more common in Russia and Thailand.
If I wanted a snake massage, I could just go out into the woods, wrangle up a snake, and throw it down the front of my shirt. I’d rather do that than spend $297 on some bogus massage. And, yeah – I can believe these are common in Russia and Thailand, but it’s probably used more as a tool to collect gambling debts than it is therapy.
This thing reeks of “scam,” and there’s no fucking way I’m falling for it.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.
