I came under fire a couple of weeks ago for suggesting that Thanksgiving is indeed better than Halloween. It’s a claim I still firmly stand by and you can never do anything to change my mind. This, of course, is the mark of a wise man who already knows everything he needs to know about everything. Anyway, I famously said that I was not a big sweets guy. That may have been a bit of an exaggeration, as I have since discovered. The truth is I am very much a situational sweets guy. At Halloween, which is the right situation, I become a big time DOTS guy.
Do we know for sure whether DOTS is supposed to be all caps are nah?
Anyway, since I have become a beacon of hot takes as of late, I decided to write this post featuring the latest of my collection of hot takes: DOTS are the single greatest candy on Earth today.
That’s right – I said it. I’m backing off of my “sweets” stance a bit because of DOTS. They just didn’t come to mind until I happened to see them in one of those giant bags of candy at Target. That’s when everything hit me, and I was reminded of my undying love for the candy.
First of all, they come in conveniently sized boxes. I’m not a big sweets guy, so I don’t always want one of the regular boxes. The Halloween size is perfect. But, if I am going to a movie, I might want one of the big boxes. You’ll avoid eating six Halloween boxes that way. So, they size the boxes perfectly
Are you following along?
Then, there’s the flavor – I don’t know of any other candies that have the refreshing taste of fruit without the overly sour taste. Plus, DOTS aren’t rich like chocolate. They don’t taste like straight syrup. It’s just a nice, subtle fruit flavor. You don’t get that a lot in candy these days.
I’m a big fan of the texture, too. It just sticks in your mouth for a while. It’s not like a gummy bear that you’re just going to chew and swallow in one fell swoop. But, it’s also not like a hard candy that could be in your mouth for an hour. The texture of DOTS is outright perfect.
And, of course, there’s all the memories that come with eating DOTS. These things have been around forever – so long that children are now calling them “old man candy.” But, for me, eating DOTS brings back those fuzzy memories of childhood. Dressing up as “Macho Man” Randy Savage and going trick or treating. Swimming through my trick or treat bucket – one of those hard plastic pumpkins, mind you – to find all the good stuff. Every time I eat a box of DOTS, it makes me feel young again. No other fucking candy does that for me.
Finally, they go great with a gin and tonic.
I am and always will be #TeamDOTS and thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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