The ‘Road to WrestleMania’ is in full swing as WWE Fastlane 2019 emanated from the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, OH. Now that I have my obligatory ‘Road to WrestleMania’ reference out of the way, let’s just go on ahead and get to the action.
Kickoff show
New Day def. Shinsuke Nakamura and Rusev – Some big time players in the kickoff match, and it delivered. This was some hella exciting pro wrestlin action, y’all. Several near falls, some good ol’ outside interference courtesy of Lana, high risk tag team maneuvers. Gotta love it – New Day gets the win and we kick the show off with some E-N-E-R-G-Y. Rating: 6/10.
WWE Fastlane 2019 Main Show
SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The Usos def. Shane McMahon and The Miz – Can we talk about how much Sam Roberts fucking sucks? Talkin’ bout Miz’s “daddy issues” and all. SMDH. I’ve gone on record saying I’m very much not here for the Miz-Shane O’Mac match, but I’m not going to hate too much. These matches with The Usos have been fun.
I popped when McMahon and Miz hit the Hart Attack. “Miz woke up feeling dangerous in Cleveland…” – loved Tom Phillips’ subtle reference to Baker Mayfield there. Miz is shining, getting the hometown hero buzz going. Even hits a big splash from the top turnbuckle to the outside that has dad smiling.
Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale, but the ref is tending to McMahon, who was hit with a combo Samoan Drop/Neckbreaker from The Usos. Seeds planted? I dunno. Would’ve been a three-count if the ref wasn’t distracted.
George convinces his son to go up top, and The Miz attempts a Frog Splash. It’s reversed into a pin attempt and The Usos pick up the win. Afterwards, McMahon attacks The Miz, right in front of George fuckin’ Mizanin. Someone needs to get this sonofabitch in check. I have NEVER seen a wrestler humiliated in his OWN hometown. Rating: 6.5/10. Awesome match, awesome post-match bit.
SmackDown Women’s Championship: Asuka def. Mandy Rose – Oh look, the SmackDown Women’s Championship DOES still exist. Look, I know she has her critics, but I dig Rose getting the shot here. It’s something fresh and different, and having Sonya Deville at ringside serves as a bit of an equalizer. She became a factor early after a couple of distractions. But, this one never really clicked. Bleh – Deville leaves the ring apron piled up near the ropes after looking for a kendo stick, Rose slips on it, gets kicked in the face, and that’s it. Rating: 3/10. Props for getting Asuka a new contender, but this ain’t it, chief.
WWE Championship: The Bar def. Kofi Kingston – Kofi was told he was being added to the WWE Championship match by Vince McMahon, but when he got out to the ring, SWERVE – he’s actually wrestling The Bar in a handicap match. He gets absolutely shit-wrecked in what is a clear effort to build sympathy for Kofi in a long-term story. Still, people are chanting “this is boring.” New Day comes out to make the save, but they’re jumped by Nakamura and Rusev. Rating: 3/10. Not an entertaining match at all, but an important one for the long term. Quit fucking complaining, people.
Raw Tag Team Championship: The Revival def. Aleister Black & Ricochet and Chad Gable & Bobby Roode – So, we got the NXT bois goin’ for the Raw straps, huh? This is weird. I’m all for #TopGuys struttin’ their stuff with the straps, though. The Raw tag division seems like it’s on life support right now, but we’ve got six guys that can go, and this match far exceeded expectations given its place on the card. The Revival wins with a Shatter Machine on Gable, but afterwards, Black hits Black Mass on Roode and the NXT bois stand tall. A lot of fun, this one was. Rating: 6.5/10.
United States Championship: Samoa Joe def. Andrade, Rey Mysterio, and R-Truth (Fatal 4-Way) – I’d love to see a Joe-Cena one on one for the U.S. Championship. So far, this was the match of the night. Some fast-paced action. Mysterio is out there giving a hurricanrana to two people at the same time. Andrade’s hittin’ springboard corkscrew planchas. Carmella and Zelina are going at it. Ultimately, Joe puts Mysterio to sleep. Rating: 7.5/10.
WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship: Sasha Banks and Bayley def. Nia Jax & Tamina – I apologize to you guys. I totally zoned out here. This one felt clunky and awkward and I was eating pad thai throughout the bulk of it. I actually don’t remember the finish, which has taught me that I should never walk away from my laptop while watching a show ever again, even if it is for pad thai. #Journalism….Bayley pins Jax. After the match, Jax and Tamina attack Bayley and Banks. Then, they shift their attention to Beth Phoenix before Natalya runs out to make the save, only to be beaten down herself, too. Multi-woman tag match at ‘Mania? Rating: 4/10.
WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan def. Kevin Owens and Mustafa Ali – So, we’re still getting a triple threat…it’s just not Kofi. Instead, it’s Mustafa Ali. The crowd’s chanting “we want Kofi” – kinda hard to get either of Owens or Ali over with that hanging in the air. But, to those arguing the logic behind putting Ali in that spot, it makes sense because he never received the WWE Championship opportunity he earned for Elimination Chamber.
Anyway, this match was nuckin’ futs! At one point, Owens nearly busted his face open by doing a senton splash over the top rope to the outside. Thankfully, he landed in between tables or else the rotation would’ve carried his face directly into table. Ali hits a 450 onto the ring apron. Crazy shit. Ali goes for a moonsault/splash of some sort, but Bryan hits him with a flying knee mid-air for the win. Rating: 8/10. Absolutely brutal finish to an A+ match.
Becky Lynch def. Charlotte Flair – So, we have a one-legged Lynch, and they’re selling it pretty damn ferociously early on. The Man can hardly stand and Flair keeps targeting it. Appears this one’s going to be all theatrics, with Lynch taking a beating and Flair gloating. We officially get the “this is getting difficult to watch” line from the commentary team. Kinda routine boring stuff in this one until Ronda Rousey hits the ring and punches Lynch. Little Naitch calls for the bell – Lynch wins by DQ and therefore is going to WrestleMania. We get the triple threat. It’s official. My head hurts from trying to figure this angle out. Rating: 4/10.
The Shield def. Baron Corbin, Lashley, and Drew McIntyre – We get the big classic Shield entrance and the phones are out like crazy. We start with Lashley and Rollins. Quick tags as we suddenly get Ambrose and Corbin going at it, and I can’t help but wonder when Corbin will be allowed to wrestle in anything but dress clothes again. Big round of cheers when Reigns gets back into the ring for the first time in six months or so.
Nice little stare down with Reigns and McIntyre. This has essentially been a Shield highlight reel so far.
Things break down and we’ve got bodies all over the place. Ambrose hits a sweet standing elbow drop from the top turnbuckle to the outside on McIntyre. Lashley hits a sick spear. McIntyre hits the claymore kick on Ambrose, but he rolls out of the ring. The ref starts counting, but Ambrose gets in at the count of 9.99999999.
We get double suicide dives from Ambrose and Rollins. It looks like Reigns is gonna go big air, but Corbin catches him mid-stride for a Deep Six. The action spills over into the crowd and this is just a barrel of fun, guys.
Reigns and Corbin are left alone in the ring and we get an exchange of punches. Corbin hits a chokeslam on Reigns, but Reigns kicks out.
Out in the crowd, Ambrose goes for a splash off the announce table, but Lashley and McIntyre catch him. Rollins comes flying from the bleachers and clears out everyone. Back in the ring, Reigns hits the Superman Punch, but Corbin kicks out! Corbin hits End of Days, but The Shield break up the attempt.
The action spills back over. Rollins hits The Stomp on Lashley on the announce table. Holy shit – this is frenetic. McIntyre gets the triple powerbomb through an announce table.
The Shield surrounds Corbin in classic Shield fashion. Corbin eats a super kick, Superman Punch, and Dirty Deeds. That’s followed up with the triple powerbomb and the 1-2-3. HOOOOOOOWWEEEEEEEE. Rating: 8/10.
Overall: 4.4/10. I tally up all the ratings, and folks – it doesn’t look too good. Wasn’t a good night for wrestling outside of a couple of matches. But, oddly enough, that’s not to say the show wasn’t enjoyable. The overarching angles of #KofiMania, the Shane McMahon heel turn, Beth Phoenix, Ali’s surprise title shot, Reigns’ return and The Shield reunion made for an entertaining show. It kinda felt like a good episode of Raw. I’m not going to complain about that.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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