The year is 2025.
Nashville.
100,000 Hotels. Population is exclusively bachelorettes. Everyone rides a pedal tavern, party bus/barge/truck/horse, golf cart, or a scooter around town. Parking costs $100,000 per hour. All bars are owned by country music singers. The only food that exists is BBQ and hot chicken. 440 still isn’t done.
I’m the last native here. This is my story.
Ching. Ching. Woooooo. Smokey awakes to the first pedal tavern sailing through downtown. The Bachelorettes are out for blood tonight. Up broadway, down 5th ave., over Korean Vets. Repeat. They’re looking for any native bloodborn to take their photos with the wing murals now found on every corner and side walk. The woos, my God – the woos are unending. Smokey sits up against the wall and takes a long drag off of his cigarette and downs an unfinished Yazoo Dos Peros. The city has been dry of Bud Light since the Craft Beer war of 2023 when the Pedal Tavern Moguls took control of the beer that came into the city.
Smokey puts on his finest cowboy hat and boots to make sure he fits in with those that are not from Nashville. He looks out from his nest atop ACME. “How did it come to this?” He wonders. He lets his faithful pooch Mabel chew on last night’s leftovers…BBQ. She’s set until he comes back. He makes his way down and unchains his bird scooter. He needs supplies. He makes his way around while making sure to disobey all traffic laws and say ‘Yes’m’ at every request. Tonight, his mission is simple: find where they’ve stashed the real T-Rac, Nashville’s holy mascot. Emperor Briley let the Scooter Czar remove all remnants of the old gods, including replacing T-Rac with someone from Ohio.
He makes it back to Mabel. She’s all he has left. The old world is gone. Once the SoBros were mighty and fought back, but one by one they were decimated. Whom was once known as “Poppa Bear” now sits in a cage at the zoo. Permanently glued to the suit he tried wearing as a disguise to gain access to the NFL draft circa 2019. The records aren’t clear why.
He preps Mabel for a run into the city. He found a new lead while getting supplies to where the real T-Rac might be, if he’s still alive. Smokey knows every venture out into the Nashville Scene may be his last. One day, they’ll find him and he’ll be assumed into the hive mind of New Nashville.
Mabel is ready. Smokey is ready. He waits until dawn when the Bachelorettes have retreated. It is well known they fear the sun. Mabel and Smokey mount up on their scooter. He crosses over the pedestrian bridge with a lead. There, he sees the imposter T-Rac, the Racoon. You can tell because he smells like peanut butter and talks non-stop about Michigan. ITR can tell there’s a trap. The raccoon takes off towards the area under the bridge. Smokey’s got the upper hand, the peak performance of a Bird scooter and well, ITR is a man in a raccoon suit.
Mabel hops off to make sure the impostor doesn’t get far. She flanks him. Smokey lays up a shot with a potato to the side of his head and down goes the raccoon-man. As Mabel stands guard, Smokey interrogates the impostor. He knows by asking him these questions that the man will know that Smokey is the fabled, último nativo de Nashville, the Last Native of Nashville. Smokey gets the information. He must hurry because time is now of the essence. His cover is blown.
Location: Marathon Motor Works building
Not in a million years did Smokey think his life would lead him here. He’s at MMW looking for a Nashville Icon, a raccoon, possibly the only other Native left. Smokey keeps his head down. Even in the day time, the threat of the Bachelorettes is still real. Smokey wanders the halls. All the local shops have closed or are abandoned, no one made it through the Boutique Trade Wars of 2020 when the first migration of Natives happened. He hears a groan. Mab goes ahead to check it out. Fearless abandon. She indicates it’s clear. Smokey finds T-Rac chained to the wall, but he’s alive! He works on the locks to free T-Rac and all you can hear is the chains rattle. GRRRR. Smokey stops, his hand shakes.
“HOW Y’ALL DOIN'” Oh God they’re here!
He turns to see a group of Bachelorettes and they’re going for Mabel. “oh! she’s so cute! Can we hold her?” They say in unison. Mabel turns to Smokey. She knows her mission, protect Smokey at all cost. She struts forward and presents herself. The Bacherlorettes move in and surround her, AWWWW in unison. She’s gone. Smokey doesn’t have time, he’s got to move. He gets the man known as T-Rac out of his bonds. They slip out the side door and hide. He gets the man some food and water. They make it to the impostor and get his suit on. The smell of buckeyes will never go away but it’s a reminder to fight. They part ways.
Later that evening, Smokey is waiting in his perch on ACME. It’s about time to go back out. He hears a small scratch at the hatch door. She’s home. He opens the door. Mabel’s claws are painted and she’s got a monogrammed scarf.
She’s come for him at last.
Beta Ray Greg is the Comic Critic for SoBros Network, the ‘Fangtastic 5K 2018 Mr. Irrelevant.’ The man has the single most impressive spreadsheet in existence that is used to document his historic collection. He’s a big time Spider-Verse guy. Follow on Twitter: @BetaRayGreg.
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Credit image to Austin Wills on Unsplash.
