I would like to start this article by stating for the record that I would make a terrible thief. I’m too fuckin’ big! 6’2″ and 280 pounds, plus I have a charming radiance about me that just attracts attention. That’s not a humble brag, either – it’s just the pure hard journalistic facts. Much less, I can’t imagine being the type of thief that’s stuffing guitars down my pants.
I’m just way too clumsy. I would break the guitars, and then they’d be worth nothing by the time I got to the pawn shop. Or, more likely, I’d get caught. Let’s be real I’m going to get caught before I break a guitar with my waistline. What am I thinking?
If it was more modestly sized, you might be able to get away with the ol’ ‘tuckin’ your boner into your gym shorts’ routine from junior high. The store clerk confronts you about what’s in the front of your shirt, and you get to say, “SIR – that is my penis and I will arrest you for harassment if you keep looking!”
But, the neck of a guitar is far too big for any reasonable person to think it’s a penis. I don’t know, guys – I’m just spitballin’ here, fuck. Let’s get to the actual article.
On April 26, police say Hayden Snyder stuffed a Fender Telecaster guitar down his pants then walked out.
“He just walked around real quietly, didn’t say goodbye or anything,” Hollowell said.
Has to be a wizard. 100% chance this guy’s a wizard.
There’s no other explanation for it. Also, notice the “quietly” part – told you guys, that’s like rule #1 of being a thief. You have to be quiet, and I just can’t be quiet. I walk around with my knuckles dragging like an ape and every step I take sounds like someone setting a 15 pound kettle bell down on the weight rack in a Planet Fitness.
Anyway, think about the logistics of trying to get a guitar in your pants and under your jacket. I don’t know that I could do that quietly by myself in a living room with no pressure of being caught and going to jail at all.
*EDIT* Okay I went and tried it and yeah – there’s no way you could pull this off without using magic.
Or, he must have had a lot of practice…which brings me to my next question. Do thieves have practice studios somewhere? Like an old warehouse full of random items that you could potentially find yourself thieving one day? You just spend all day trying to get random stuff in your pants and that’s your thieving training.
Huh….cool…
Anyway, if you sell guitars in Nashville, be on the lookout for a guy who looks like the love child of Vince Gill and Gomer Pile.
Editor’s Note: Dub Hollowell sounds like a badass western cowboy. Like, You’d expect ‘Dub Hollowell’ to show up in Dodge City, Kansas lookin’ for blood. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is kudos for having such a cool name.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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