I could’ve sworn I’ve told the story of the SoBros at 2015 CMA Fest before, but after scanning the website and Patreon archives, I don’t see it. Since CMA Fest is now upon us, there will never be a better time to share this story.
Four years ago, I finally gave into my curiosity. See, I’m not even really a country music fan. But, living in Nashville, I always kind of wondered what the scene at CMA Fest was like. Well, Poppa Bear and “Nature Boy” Brandon Vick wanted to go scope it out that Saturday, and I said, “sure, why not?” There’s a ton of free stuff to do. I wouldn’t have to worry about paying a ton of money for something I didn’t really care about!
We decided to go for the full experience, and that meant starting early. I probably should’ve known how the day was going to go when we got breakfast at McDonald’s and chased it down with Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Fire at 9AM.
My girlfriend was kind enough to drive us downtown (a decision I’m sure she likely regrets today), so we scarfed down our breakfast and whiskey in the car on the way downtown. We parked and made it to Broadway by 10 – stages were already set up, artists were already playing, and the bars were already open.
We took a stroll down 2nd Avenue and found ourselves in a torrential downpour of rain out of nowhere (you have to specify ‘rain’ because it’s CMA Fest and you never really know what kind of fluid you’re coming into contact with). We dipped into Doc Holliday’s Saloon – one of Poppa Bear’s favorite spots downtown. It was a bar that served alcohol and that’s all that mattered to me. My girlfriend had to go to work, so the three of us were left to our own devices. We weathered the storm in Doc Holliday’s, pounding whiskey for a couple of hours.
Then, it was time to venture out.
I kid you not, there is live music everywhere you go during CMA Fest. It just jumbles together through the airwaves as if the entire city has just become one crowded bar. By 1PM, we were blitzed out of our minds and this part of the day felt a little bit like a fever dream.
Poppa Bear wanted to see Corey Smith, so he went on down to Riverfront. Brandon and I were hungry, so we went to Riverfront Tavern. Brandon ordered a sandwich and was pissed because it wasn’t a pizza when it arrived. Apparently, he thought all of the sandwiches on the menu were pizzas. He was so steadfast in his belief that he had ordered a pizza that he even asked our waitress, “does this happen often?” The waitress just replied with a dry, “no,” and I had to sit there and convince Brandon that there wasn’t even a pizza menu at Riverfront Tavern. He ordered a sandwich! Probably my favorite moment of the day.
We eat our lunch and venture out to find Poppa Bear. He approaches us down on 1st Avenue and I say, “we just got lunch – have you eaten?” His reply? “I just bought a gator-on-a-stick from a guy, but it was definitely not gator.” Close enough to count – we’re trying to figure out what our next move is going to be.
Brandon realizes that Tanya Tucker is about to take the stage and says, “guys – we have to stay and wait for ‘Two Sparrows in a Hurricane.'” Alright…fine by me. Tanya Tucker comes out and is singin’ her heart out. Poppa Bear and I are watching this couple make out in front of us like the creepy old men we are. Brandon notices and joins in. At that point, all three of us are just watching these people. I hate to report it as factual journalism because my memory of this part of the day is SO foggy – but I believe there were two women and a guy, and the guy was taking turns putting his tongue down each woman’s throat. For some reason, I remember we were all really rooting for a threesome right there in the grass at Riverfront Park.
Poppa Bear and I wanted to sit somewhere cool and regroup, but Brandon wasn’t about that life at all. He hadn’t seen “Two Sparrows in a Hurricane” yet, so he wasn’t moving. Might as well handcuff his ass to the rail. Fine – we’re all adults here, we can communicate. We tell Brandon to enjoy Tanya Tucker, and when he’s through, he can come find us at Buffalo Billiards.
We make the hike up to 2nd Avenue and it is nice, cool, and quiet in Buffalo’s. One of the reasons I love the place. I have some foggy memories of playing foosball by myself while we were there.
Eventually, Brandon shows up and he’s pretty pissed. Turns out, Tanya Tucker never played “Two Sparrows in a Hurricane.” But, he did get to sit and watch those people make out some more.
There’s a huge gap in my memory here.
The next thing I remember is us backstage at a VIP event at Nissan Stadium. The three of us are eating complimentary bags of chips left and right like savages. I’m sure we smell like nothing but sweat and whiskey at this point, and I have no idea who even let us in (this is where the featured image of this article was taken).
Another gap in my memory.
We’re at Rebar in midtown. Put another five rounds of Jack & Cokes into our bodies, it’s 9PM, and somehow, we haven’t passed out. We’re just sitting out on the patio, talking about the day. Looking back now, I really have no idea how we kept from passing out in the street somewhere and ending up in a hospital.
My girlfriend drops Brandon and me off at our apartment. Somehow, I had the wherewithal to realize how bad I stunk. With no issue whatsoever, I showered up and proceeded to throw my dirty clothes in the washer. I come out into the living room and Brandon is lying on his back in the middle of the floor.
Everyone crashed at our place (don’t drink and drive), and the next morning, Brandon woke everyone up making bird noises. From the recliner, I just heard Poppa Bear grumble, “Brandon, I’m going to need you to shut the fuck up.” Pretty sure all three of us took turns throwing up in the bathroom – at one point, Brandon said it sounded like someone was throwing entire pots of soup into the shower. I was hungover for three days.
I could not name a single artist we actually watched play that day other than Tanya Tucker. I will never go back to CMA Fest again. I’m too old for that shit now.
Nashville, do you have an awesome shit show CMA Fest story? Let us hear it!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.