After having a blast re-casting Road House, I decided to go back to the well. The question was, “what could I do for an encore to the absolute perfection that was SUP: Road House?” After struggling with that question, I had THE idea dropped on me by a close, personal friend. The Expendables. That’s it. That’s all it ever could have been. Without further ado, I give you The Expendables: Independent Wrestling Edition.
Nick Gage: In the Sly Stallone lead position, it’s gotta be The King, The God, Nick Fucking Gage. If you’re going into some crazy, fucked up missions, you’ve got to have someone that will not only drop a mother fucker but can bring the best out of his platoon. That’s Nick Gage. The passion the man has just pouring out of him plus his absolute lust for violence. There’s just no one else that could fill this spot.
Brett Ison: Think of this as the Statham spot. Brett can get shit done on his own, but would absolutely soldier up and take his cues from Gage. Plus, if we really needed Brett to do some of those Statham crazy kick combinations, he could pull it off. Listen, I’m more than confident in Brett Ison when it comes to hand to hand combat. He’s also got the leader tendencies that are needed in a second in command position. If for some reason the crew needed to rescue a captured Nick Gage, for instance, Brett could take over with crew in tow. I mean that wouldn’t happen because Nick Gage would die before being captured, but you know what I’m saying MDK.
O’Shay Edwards: Is there anyone else that could fill the Terry Crews spot? Um hell no. Shay is huge, hilarious, and will snatch the life right out of you. It’s not even a stretch picturing him with that automatic shotgun just mowing through dumbass bad guys. Seriously, how does O’Shay not have his own action movie franchise yet?
Dominic Garrini: The Randy Couture of our crew, and again I don’t think there is a better man for the job. Dom is calm and collected, but is always ready to go to war. Really the only difference is their choice of ground game as Randy is a wrestler, whereas Dom brings that top notch jiu jitsu game. There are bigger personalities for sure, but maybe not a more dependable guy on the team.
Matthew Justice: The Dolph Lundgren of the squad. Justice is noted for being a complete psychopath and a bit of a wild card. You gotta have a wild card on the team especially for those super crazy missions where everyone kind of looks at each other for a second until you hear someone say “Hell yeah. Let’s fucking do this.” That is Matthew Justice, ladies and gentlemen.
Marko Stunt: Think of the possibilities. With Marko in the Jet Li spot, not only do we get Justice/Stunt hijinks, but we also get Marko whooping a lot of ass in between cracking jokes. Stupid bad guys will underestimate The Guy which will lead to him skewering them to death! He will be the only member to wear a fanny pack, though this one will be bullet proof.
Byff: The weary vet spot that Mickey Rourke nailed just seems perfect for Byff. Not only does he wear the same boots as Mickey but he just looks like a guy that has seen some shit. Because he has. In all honesty, the idea of Byff giving the monologue that Rourke gives about losing the last of his soul kind of gives me chills. Not only does he fill the weary vet spot, but he’s also funny as shit, which the team needs in between jobs. The image of Byff riffing with Marko while the rest of the crew looks on is actually pretty heartwarming.
Kerry Awful: In that Arnold spot of being a former member of The Expendables before venturing off for himself is Kerry. Much like the film, he would have a friendly rivalry with Gage. I like to think that Kerry took over a new squad to better the life of his family as well as keep him out of harm’s way as he has a little one to think about. Don’t be fooled though if the day comes for him to saddle up and ride with this crew again, he’d be ready in a heartbeat.
Matt Tremont: Who’s the man calling the shots as the Bruce Willis super secret CIA agent? The fucking Bulldozer, that’s who. The man has been there and done that, meaning he’s the perfect choice to put our boys on a few missions. He’s had dealings with both Gage and Kerry, so there is a level of trust there that wouldn’t come from a ton of other people. Plus, I love the thought of Tremont giving Gage/the crew a plane in the sequel.
John Mosley is the independent wrestling correspondent of the SoBros Network. He graduated from ETSU with a degree in Radio, TV and Film along with a minor in Film Studies. Since graduating he’s done pretty much nothing but watch, film, edit or commentate for local wrestling promotions and is the current color commentator for Resolute Wrestling. #Preds #Titans #DefendOrVacateConor Follow on Twitter: @SoBroMose.
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