During the hard times we are enduring due to the coronavirus pandemic, it may become harder to talk about certain topics than it already was before the shit storm. I want to discuss one of the most important topics most people are too afraid to talk about, the anus. The butthole has many other slang terms to describe it like poop chute, rusty bullet hole, sphincter and leather starfish just to name a few. No matter what you refer to it as, just remember the anus is an important part of the body that needs just as much attention as any other orifice on the body.
I recently went to see a doctor due to a work related injury. During my visit, the doctor asked what my thoughts were on steroids. I was taken aback at first. Did she mean the ones that make your nuts shrivel like the ones Barry Bonds and “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner took or the ones meant to heal a certain area of the body? For a moment, I was hoping it was the ones that could help me be able to hit a baseball 400 yards. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
I told the doctor that to my knowledge I had never taken a steroid before. She suggested that I do so in order to help my injured arm heal quicker. I agreed, and a few minutes later, she returned with a steroid shot that had my ass cheek written all over it. I am not a fan of shots at all and my ass is definitely not. As she asked me to drop my pants to my knees, I started to internally panic.
My mind is now running all over the place. How much is this going to hurt? I’ve been a bit gassy today, so what if there’s a lingering scent unleashed? Could I have wiped one more time, so there’s a 100% chance nothing was left behind? What if she gets too close and sees my brown eye winking at her? I am freaking the fuck out right now.
Turns out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about and it was honestly over before my mind was finished losing its shit. It did get me thinking about the importance of having a clean anus, though.
Millions walk the Earth everyday with dirty anuses thinking that using toilet paper is all that is needed in order to keep a clean bunghole. Yes, the paper is helpful in the removal of waste, but it isn’t cleaning anything. There are many ways to efficiently clean your waste excavator. The most common method is a full body shower. It is most recommended to take a shower if you have the time after relieving yourself. It is important to use soap as water alone will not clean you and will also cause your skin to become dry.
Another option is one that most of us don’t have at our disposal and that is to use a bidet. If a bidet or a shower is an option for you, it is also recommended to use a special cream to clean your chocolate star flower in addition to soap and water. The most common method of cleaning yourself after going number two is to use wet wipes. Wet wipes are an excellent method as long as you discard them in the trash. Do not ever flush them as they are harmful to the environment and marine life.
So now that you know some of the ways in which you can keep your back door clean, let us now discuss why it’s important to keep yourself clean.
First of all, having good hygiene is the most important reason why to keep your anus clean. Having a clean anus will help in the reduction of spreading E. coli as it is estimated that women are 30% more likely to get a urinary tract infection(UTI) than men. Another important reason is that your underwear will stay clean. If you live an active lifestyle, your sweat flows down your back, mixes with the bacteria in your bum, and spreads it to your underwear and thighs.
But for me, the most important reason to keep yourself clean is that bad personal hygiene is the number one turn off for both sexes. During intimacy, the taboo subject of anal sex may come into play and if you have a dirty bum you are most likely to get down that way. If you are new to anal sex or have never tried anal sex, it is something that should honestly be prepped for in advance and not just sprung on your partner in mid-thrust.
The receiving partner should prepare their anus in order to accept their lover’s member. One of the best methods in prepping for anal sex is to use a water enema. A water enema is commonly used in preparing for a colonoscopy and can be found at any pharmacy. When you purchase a water enema, it is very important to also grab some petroleum jelly to use as lubricant. The steps in executing a water enema are quite simple.
First, put some towels on your bathroom floor and make sure you have a clock or timer near by to make sure the enema is being used for the correct amount of time. Next, remove the cap to the enema and if needed apply some of the lubricant to your anus to assist with the insertion of the enema. Lie on your side with your knee bent and then gently insert the tip of the enema nozzle directly into the rectum. Next, gently squeeze the contents of the enema into the rectum. Withdraw the enema after doing so and wait the recommended time before using the bathroom. Lastly and I cannot stress this enough, stay close to a toilet. I repeat stay close to a toilet. Wait an hour or two after the enema is completed to begin anal sex.
Are you creeped out yet? Well, grow up. We all have a stink portal and it is very important to take good care of it. It seems watching countless hours of Dr. Ruth as a kid may actually be paying off after all.
No one truly knows how long this quarantine is going to last, but remember, the importance of a clean anus especially if you are locked up with your significant other. Also, never go ass to mouth or vagina. Clean up before switching lanes because it’s just rude and unhealthy not to do so.
Steven McCash is the Music Columnist for SoBros Network. He is the pioneer of New Music Friday, highlighting each week’s new releases in the world of music, in addition to the occasional live show review. Follow on Twitter: @MC_Cash75
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