We have quite the caper to get to out of Gatlinburg this morning, folks. We all know that the black bears rule the Smoky Mountains. You don’t head out that direction without brushing up on your black bear rules. Just about every cabin or hotel I’ve ever stayed in up there has had a sign that says, “don’t feed the black bears” or something like that. It’s just common knowledge, y’know?
Well, apparently, the bears are starting to get a little bolder….outright breaking into cabins and going on candy and beer benders. My guess is that they’ve spent time learning how to pick locks.
Eberhardt told WATE that the bears took 5 pounds of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, a pound of M&Ms and 2 pounds of Sour Patch Kids.
The animals also were a bit thirsty, taking two beers and two Diet Cokes.
The bears also took off with some allergy medication.
Sucks to hear that black bears have allergies, too. They are damn near unbearable at this time of year. Given the current state of the world, let’s just hope it’s just allergies and not the COVID-19.
Anyway….FIVE POUNDS of Reese’s cups?!?! Who the fuck just has FIVE POUNDS of Reese’s sitting around to begin with?!?! Did this cabin also happen to be a convenience store? Or, is that just how it is in Gatlinburg? No rules when you’re on vacation so fuck it – take FIVE POUNDS of Reese’s to the cabin with you!
The two pounds of Sour Patch Kids are where I draw the line, though. That’s way too much sour sugar. Plus, you’re mixing it with beer?!?!? Opposite effects, bro – one’s gonna speed you up and the other’s gonna slow you down. To a younger man, that might sound like a bender for the ages…to me, that sounds like heart disease and diabeetus waiting to happen.
The bears have obviously gotten smart enough to pick locks, but someone needs to teach them how to diet more responsibly. I think there might be a Skillshare for that…
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.
