Around my humble abode, La Croix may as well be a drug. As a matter of fact, some of my friends, who are as into La Croix as I am, have termed the refreshing, bubbly beverage “La Crack.” Why? Well, because it’s like drinking pure Heaven. And, well, we all know that’s what taking crack is like.
So, after much debating and deliberating among friends, co-workers, and really anyone that will listen to my incessant rambling about the wonders of the lightly-essenced sparkling water revelation that is La Croix, I’ve decided we have some motherfucking important work to do here.
We, as a respected media conglomerate, have an obligation to provide hard hitting analysis and groundbreaking journalism. So, you know what – the Internet needs yet another top 10 list. If I didn’t want to write top 10 lists, I SHOULDN’T HAVE DECIDED TO BE A JOURNALIST, AMIRITE?!
I can’t start this list without mentioning The Unicorn – LaCola. I had no idea it existed. I’ve yet to see it in stores, and while, sure, I could just Google it, I prefer to maintain the sanctity of that mystery. It just makes life more exciting.
Honorable Mentions
Mure Pepino – That’s blackberry-cucumber for you uncivilized folk who can’t read Canadian. I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of these high-end La Croix flavors, but they are delightful. You might ask what makes them high-end. Well, I’ll excuse your lack of dignity for a moment to answer: it’s ’cause the cans are taller and skinnier.
Namely, this blackberry cucumber fusion is the perfect blend of tangy berry and….cucumbery cucumber…
Cran-Raspberry – The perfect holiday La Croix….’cause it’s cranberry, duh. One year, I was fortunate enough to have a friend leave an entire case of this stuff in my fridge by mistake. I believe I drank them all in one day. I have said friends to thank for my current addiction.
Regardless, cran-raspberry La Croix pairs well with straight ass vodka.
Tangerine – I’m new to tangerine. But, where the orange flavor tastes like some sort of cleaning product, tangerine really nails that citrusy goodness. A good cold one can leave my penis erect for hours.
The Ultimate La Croix Power Rankings
10. Passionfruit – Something about the passionfruit flavor just makes me feel exotic. Or, erotic. I’m not going to lie – I feel incredibly sexy when drinking a passionfruit La Croix. Sometimes, I pour it down my bare chest for added effect. It usually makes the consumption process worse, but what can I say? I’m the type of guy to get carried away with my emotions and make rash impulsive decisions like pouring a cold beverage on my nude body.
9. Mango – Shooters shoot. If you’re going for mango, you nail mango. La Croix nailed mango. Now, I should clarify…I’ve never had actual mango. Strictly other mango flavored stuff. So, really – it’s like….the mango flavor really nails that mango flavor flavor.
8. Cerise Limon – What’s that a cherry limeade in a can? One that won’t actually give me the diabeetus? Well, shit – you just sign my happy ass right up. It’s all the flavor of a trip to Sonic without the hassle of fast food service or fleeing the scene before you get your food because you just ran over a carhop.
7. Pomme-Baya – Apples and berries. What more do you need? It’s like non-alcoholic sangria. Or, you can throw some wine or whatever sangria is in with it and make it actually alcoholic. Oh God – I’m just noticing that I’m pairing all of my La Croix with different types of liquor. Please don’t tell my family – I swear I don’t have a drinking problem.
6. Limoncello – Nothing quite gets you ready to fuck like the limoncello flavor. It’s a nice refreshing tart taste that goes well with gin. It’s like a lustful romp under the stars of a cool desert night in Italy.
5. Hibiscus – Hibiscus has recently popped up on the shelves at my local Target, and I can honestly say that I feel so cultured when I drink it. It’s like it’s better-than-you in a can. I’ve never been such a classy bitch as when I drink this.
4. Peach-Pear – Such a complex flavor. Really, I don’t taste too much pear, but I just know it’s there. It says so on the can. And I know what I am tasting cannot be peach alone. That’s just simple cognition – if it was JUST peach, my taste buds would tell my brain and my brain would tell my mind that it was just peach. But, it isn’t. It isn’t that simple – not when you’re a carbonated water alchemist like the science engineers at La Croix headquarters.
3. Key Lime – It was approximately three years from the time I had my first La Croix to the time I discovered Key Lime, and I can honestly say it was a game changer. Completely refreshing, this tastes like Skittles in a damn can.
2. Coconut – All of you coconut-hatin’ motherfuckers can get right the fuck out of this article right now. I apologize – I don’t mean to be so hostile, but I don’t see how anyone can hate this flavor. It is damn summer time in a can. It tastes great on its own, -or- with rum. How can you hate anything even remotely related to rum?
1. Apricot – The Granddaddy of Them All. The Super Bowl of La Croix. The World Series of La Croix. I’ll never forget the life-changing day when a co-worker let me borrow a warm apricot La Croix out of his locker because I was thirsty. It was like hearing angels sing or seeing boobs in person for the first time. Since then, I’ve been a different man and I owe all of my self-improvement to apricot La Croix.
PS. Yes, that is a picture inside my own fridge because I can’t get sued for posting it.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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