The name is Flamingo.
Dick Flamingo.
It’s time for me to drop some common sense.
Hot damn – that catchphrase never gets old. “Drop some common sense” _ that’s right, motherfuckers, and you better damn well believe it. Cicadas are fucking weird, man. I don’t get ’em. I don’t have nothing against bugs in general, but what really chaps my ass about the cicada is that you have to keep up with its schedule. It’s that added inconvenience that really makes me want to give this bug the big time ‘fuck you’ to quote Kid Rock, I think.
One summer, it’s fine. The next, these things are buzzing around smacking into my windshield and forehead every time I leave the damn house. I’m sposed to know that they come out once every 17 years or whatever? News flash, dumbass: there’s a reason I quit school in the 7th grade: I was tired of keeping up with shit.
It’s hard enough to keep up with my light bill. I gotta know when that’s due and when I have to pay the electric service. I gotta know when the milk’s gonna go bad. I have to know all these things – well, guess what – it’s a waste of my fucking time and my brain to try and keep up with what kind of cicadas are going to be flying through the air this summer.
I’m not one of these stuck up snobby bitches – I have no shame in admitting how hard it is for me to keep track of stuff. I’ll say it – I got what the doctors call a limited brain capacity from my days taking LSD left and right from anyone who would hand me some.
Anyway, that’s the only reason I really have a gripe with the cicada. Just the schedulin’ shit. I don’t mind that they’re big and nasty and fly all over the place in the summer time. Well, some summer times. I had to eat bigger and nastier bugs when I was in the saharas of ‘Nam back during the Cold War. Sometimes, I’d even have to eat rats. Bugs just don’t gross me out. But, when you make me have to keep up with somethin’ new, that’s where I draw the line.
Check out my whole list of articles here. I can’t believe this dumb company keeps paying me for this shit.
Dick Flamingo is the Opinion Columnist for SoBros Network. Dick Flamingo is “Chief Expert on Not Giving a Fuck,” according to Dick Flamingo. Follow on Twitter: @SoBroFlamingo
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