Stoney Sees: Street Fighter (Patrons Only)

On this edition of Stoney Sees, Stoney Keeley watches 1994's Street Fighter for the first time for Patreon subscribers only!

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Some of you might already know this about me, but I’ll share it for the rest of the room. I could probably count the number of movies I’ve seen that were made before the year 2001 on both hands. No real reason for it – I just wasn’t a big movie kid growing up. I didn’t really start watching movies until I was in high school and we started going to the mall every Friday night. For some reason, there’s a contingent of the SoBros Network team and fan base that really want me to watch some of the classics of yesteryear. So, I figured I’d do that and document the experiences of seeing some of these classics for the first time in 2020. Today, we’re watching Street Fighter. These are my notes.

Stoney Sees: Street Fighter

*I definitely remember this movie existing, but I don’t think I ever watched it as a kid….which is completely shocking to me because I was incredibly into Street Fighter as a kid in 1994. Big time Vega guy. I also know this was about the height of peak Jean Claude Van Damme, so I’m super stoked to check this one out. LFG

*Crisis in Shadaloo!

*Wait, Kylie Minogue is in this?!?!?

*So, M. Bison’s a dictator with a fuck ton of drug money that’s given him a huge army and high tech weaponry. FUCK! And, he’s just breaking dude’s necks?!?! This motherfucker has to be stopped. It’s a good thing Col. Guile has just shown up!!! Hell yeah.

*BALROG IS A CAMERA MAN!?!?!

*Man, we’re setting up the challenge right off the bat. The gauntlet has been thrown down – three days to deliver the money or M. Bison is going to kill some hostages.

*There’s my guy Vega fuckin’ dudes up. 

*What are they doing? Creating Blanka in a lab? Man, I love how they’re giving these characters these crazy back stories. This feels like an old monster movie. 

*Why are we suddenly at an underground fight club? Wait…why did Guile just drive a tank through the venue? I’m having trouble tracking this, guys.

*”Well, I’m the repo man, and you’re out of business.” DAAAAAMN.

*OH NO! THEY SHOT DOWN GUILE IN THE STREETS! Who is going to challenge M. Bison now?!?!?

*Y’all couldn’t work on our boy Balrog’s hairline at all? 

*I love that Chun-Li is a journalist. I don’t know why, but I do. Also, it was super easy for her to sneak out of that van and past the guards. No wonder Shadaloo is in such shambles. 

*Okay, I’m confused again. Was Guile just waiting on Chun-Li to find him? Playing dead the whole time?

*”This place makes Detroit look like Disneyland” – FUCK….shots fired at Detroit, man.

*I’m not going to lie – this back alley carnival lookin’ bullshit looks like it’s right up my alley. You could have some fun there, I bet.

*This motherfucker made his own money. As far as being a dictator goes, that’s just piss-poor. Printing your own money has to be pretty low on the list of priorities. 

*Alright, the band’s all together and again, we’re driving vehicles into large gatherings of people. 

*So, he’s captured everyone, right? Is this how we get to the big tournament or whatever? That’s what we’re getting at, no?

*Bison’s training facility could use some sprucing up.

*Can the military just up and disobey orders like that? Everyone’s just going to go with Guile? I don’t know…I feel like that’s not something that can happen.

*M. Bison looks like he’s tryin’ to fuck Chun-Li on the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple. Seriously….what is with that man’s bedroom?

*yas queen GO OFF, Chun-Li! Kick the shit out that man’s teeth!

*I feel like you probably could’ve just started the movie at this point and it would’ve been just as enjoyable.

*Damn, they’re just going to set the woods on fire, huh?

*LMAO at Bison’s control center looking like an arcade game from the bowling alley.

*Man, when are we going to get to see these people FIGHT??!?!?!

*LMAOOOOOOOO Blanka looks like a green Pennywise. NO WAY Guile recognizes his friend as Blanka, and WHAT THE FUCK?!?! HE’S JUST GOING TO SHOOT HIM!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!

*Hahahahhahah Guile just leaps out of the chamber 30 yards and delivers his signature kick and then withstands a barrage of gunfire. 

*Here we go – this is what we’ve been waiting for. The melee, baby! 

*Zangief vs. E. Honda…hell yeah. Big meaty men smackin’ tiddies. This is what it’s all about. LOVE the nod to Godzilla there, too. 

*FINALLY – mano y mano, we’ve made it to Guile vs. M. Bison.

*Y’all I still can’t get over Balrog’s hairline.

*DAMN! M. Bison lives forever and now that he’s back from the dead thanks to a fucking vest that can administer life support, he can shoot goddamn electricity out of his gauntlets. Now, he’s levitating?!?! M. Bison had an Iron Man suit before it was cool.

*Ken is the exact opposite of ‘ride or die.’ 

*Ah, wait – I take that last bit back. Sagat got his damn ass kicked.

*Wait, when did Balrog put on his boxing gloves? Am I the only one that finds that hysterically funny? Imagine soldiers getting ready for war and putting on boxing gloves. 

*What a face turn from Zangief, my God!!!

*You mean to tell me we’re not going to get to see Blanka kicking some serious ass? Bullshit.

*Damn, they just blew everything up and rolled the credits.

Overall rating: 2/10. Those two stars are only there because it was fun to see some of the iconic characters from my childhood “in real life.” But, let’s make no mistake about it – this is an absolutely terrible movie with very few, if any, redeemable qualities. The acting was corny, the story was a hot mess that didn’t make any sense, and we didn’t get enough flat out action. If I was a child, I might’ve been into it, but as it stands…as a 33-year old man, I say 100% fuck this movie.  

What else ya think I should see? Let me know in the comments.

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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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