Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter.
Question:
Would you rather have to try to escape from a Saw trap, try to survive the Purge or try to kill Jason at Camp Crystal Lake?
— Steven McCash (@MC_Cash75) October 29, 2020
Answer:
I have to go with The Purge simply because I feel like it’s absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to escape a Saw trap (besides, I’m way too fuckin’ big to finesse my way out of a tight space), and I’m damn sure not taking down Jason at Camp Crystal Lake. There’s that weird competitive side of me that’s like, “yeah, I’d like to see how I’d stack up against Jason,” but it ain’t like football in which you lose a game and get a crack at another team next week. You lose against Jason, you’re fuckin’ DEAD.
My strategy for The Purge would be to just dig a hole several miles out in the woods, run out there and just camp out in it to survive the night. Find a cave or something remote, I don’t know. I feel like that’s much more doable than my other options here.
Question:
Thoughts on candy corn flavored lube?
— sobrostan (@sobrostan) October 29, 2020
Answer:
Flavored lube is definitely not one of those things that I’m all in on to begin with. Like, what purpose does that serve? Why do I want lube that tastes good? It just doesn’t seem healthy to literally consume lube. It is only there to make things smoother. If I want to taste candy corn, I’ll eat some candy corn. I don’t need it involved in my sex life. Just keep things simple.
That said, I do love candy corn as a flavor in general, so if you insist upon me eating lube, I would at least say “okay, well at least it’s candy corn.”
I’ll just leave it at this – dick should taste like dick, pussy should taste like pussy, and butthole should taste like butthole. Just as nature intended.
Question:
If you could have a spooky familiar to accompany you on Halloween what would it be? (Cat, owl, bat, wolf, etc)
— Lady May Queen (@brittbutspooky) October 29, 2020
Answer:
Gotta be the wolf – if it could be a dire wolf, that would be even SICKER. But, I might draw the line at a werewolf. They’re just so unpredictable. I feel like it’d be one of those things that sounds cool on paper, and it probably is cool for like an hour, and then the werewolf just eats you.
It’s like that lady that had a pet orangutan and thought it was smooth sailing ’til it ripped her fuckin’ face off.
That’s why I say “let’s just stick with a basic wolf.” Wolves are smart, instinctual creatures that understand the importance of building community. They’re tough sumbitches, too. Just feels like a good fit for the SoBros Network team.
Might be a follow-up question here – I don’t know if I can ask myself mailbag questions, but “which animals best represent SoBros Network” would be a doozy.
Question:
Do you think bigfoots would recognize you as one of their own?
— SoBro Rooster (@SoBroRooster) October 29, 2020
Answer:
I’d be willing to roam around the woods butt ass naked to see, but I have a feeling they’d get one look at me and just beat the shit out of me. You never see any Bigfoots with blue eyes. I’ve never seen a Bigfoot dick, but I feel like my human dick would be a dead giveaway, too. Think about it – how many Bigfoot dicks have you seen in photos? They’re hidden. Not humans, though. They’re out front and center.
I like to think I am as close to a Bigfoot as a human can, though. So, maybe if I did get out in the woods, people would think I’m a Bigfoot…..but I just don’t think the Bigfoots would.
Question:
Why do people never say goodbye on the phone in movies or tv shows? They always just hang up on each other.
— Patrick Criswell (@PatCrizzy) October 29, 2020
Answer:
There’s just no time, Patrick. Think about how many phone calls are in a typical movie/show. What? Like….5-8? Think about how long it takes to say “goodbye” – probably one second per person. That’s two seconds per phone call times five-eight phone calls. Saying goodbye on the phone could realistically chew up 10 to 16 seconds of screen time. Think about all you could accomplish as a filmmaker in 10 to 16 seconds. That’s enough time for someone to climax in a sex scene.
Ya gotta cut something out to win those Oscars, buddy.
Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.
