Part of what we do here at SoBros Network is a bit of life coaching. We want to enrich lives and encourage folks to always #BeBetter. So, given the time of year, I thought put together a little guide of things to avoid this holiday season unless you intend to ruin everyone’s holiday.
Surefire Ways to Ruin the Holidays
1. Put your dick in the turkey– Just don’t do it. I know that hole can look tempting some times, but no one wants dick sweat and cum stuffed in their turkey. It’s just not what is expected on the dinner table for the holidays.
2. Put your dick in the cranberry sauce – Hey, I know that cranberry sauce is soft, fragrant, and chilled. It can be a refreshing resting place for your penis. But, proper etiquette calls for not resting your penis in the side dishes.
3. Put your dick in the….nah, I’m kiddin’ around here, guys. I’m not going to really make this just a list of things NOT to put your dick into. Honestly, though, the thought crossed my mind. But, it’s one of those jokes that requires a lot of work, only for the shine to wear off and you guys lose interest in no time. So, I’m *ahem* pulling out.
4. Bring up 9/11 as a conspiracy theory – This is a quick way to really galvanize a room. Half of the people will be offended that you’d make light of such a national tragedy. The other half will be whipped up into a frenzy of paranoia and government control. Either way, you win as a bona fide agent of chaos.
5. Run over the family dog – whoever’s family…doesn’t have to be yours…get lost in the neighborhood, pull in the wrong driveway, and SPLAT! You have just ruined someone’s holidays. Do not run over animals this holiday season.
6. Throw up at the dinner table – This actually almost happened to me when I was younger. Thankfully, I was able to get the hell out of dodge before the dam broke. But, you might not be so lucky. Best not to tempt fate.
7. Shit in the sink – No one wants to clean shit out of a sink. This is one way to certainly create a lifelong memory for the absolute worst possible reason.
8. Set the curtains on fire – Now, there’s a case to be made for this being a positive thing. You’d get your family plenty of practice in emergency situations by doing this. But, hear me out – I’m going to say that most families would probably prefer this NOT to happen.
9. Spike the breastmilk – Drunk babies – hilarious, am I right? As it turns out, most parents would be super pissed if you spiked their breastmilk with alcohol. It could also be dangerous as alcohol is not meant for babies to consume. Not to mention, if they get caught drinking underage, they could have that on their permanent record for all time.
10. Ask for a divorce – I feel like you have to get to a certain point before you’re asking for a divorce, and if you get to that point, what’s one more month? Timing is everything, even in divorce. Just wait ’til the new year and completely blindside them instead.
If you avoid doing any of these things, you will likely NOT ruin the holidays. You’re welcome.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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