Subway is probably the only place on the planet that I could eat at every day. I mean that legitimately and honestly. There are just so many options – and while I somehow always come back to the pizza sub with deluxe pepperoni (I ain’t here for a long time. I’m here for a good time), or the steak n’ cheese, there are a myriad of subs I can come up with. They don’t call ’em Sandwich Artists for no damn reason. You walk into that Subway, you pick your bread, and then you stare at a blank canvas, ready to paint your masterpiece. So, not only does Subway satisfy a basic human need, but you’re also getting to create art. It’s that creative outlet that does it for me. But, we can’t have nice things anymore. This week, Subway has come under fire after a test has concluded that there isn’t actually any tuna DNA in Subway’s tuna. That’s a highly scientific way of saying they don’t know what dafuq this stuff is.
A lab test commissioned by the New York Times failed to identify any tuna DNA in a series of Subway tuna sandwiches.
A reporter acquired “more than 60in worth of Subway tuna sandwiches” from three Los Angeles storefronts, then engaged a specialized fish-testing lab. Researchers were unable to pinpoint a species.
To quote the great Jordan Belfort, as played by Leonardo DiCaprio, “I’m not leavin’ – I’m not fuckin’ leavin’!” Say what you will, but these colors don’t run – green and yellow. Subway for life. I’ve eaten so many of these tuna sandwiches – throw it on a flatbread with some lettuce, mayo, olives, pickles, onions, and honey mustard – that it makes no difference at this point. You could probably test my DNA and it would match whatever creation it is that Subway is passing for tuna. I don’t care, because I can’t care. If I care, then I’m going to have to change a whole lot of my eating habits.
But, cancel culture is getting out of control – now, y’all wanna cancel Subway because whatever it is that they’re calling tuna isn’t actually tuna? GTFOH. They said ‘eat fresh.’ But, they didn’t say what you were going to be eatin’ – just that it’d be fresh! I see no false advertising here, but then again, I am not a lawyer. Also, it’s worth pointing out that another study DID find tuna. So, it’s just a matter of debate at this point – it’s like Santa Claus…you ignore the truth, and believe what you want to believe.
Just so we’re clear – I stand with Subway and whatever the fuck it is that they throw on their subs and call tuna. They’re coming out swinging, defending themselves against these allegations, and I’ll wave that flag right there with ’em. Anyway, life’s way too short to give a fuck about what you eat.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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