Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter, email ’em to me anonymously at thesobrosnetwork@gmail.com. And, holy shit, I need to update this terrible intro paragraph that I’ve been using literally ever since I started writing this column…
Question:
When are we getting time travel? And where are you going when we get it?
— Patrick Criswell (@PatCrizzy) October 22, 2021
Answer:
There’s a lot to unpack when we start talking about time travel. And, mainly – I’ll address the concept of “the rewind.” Going back in time in our existing universe. Reliving events that have already transpired in the dataset that is our collective existence. We think of time as this linear force, right? Point A to Point B – 1900 to 2000. But, this perception is still technically a manmade construct. What “time” as we know it is truly measuring is a form of cellular decay. We are born, we grow, we’re healthy, and then the cells that make up our body begin to break down over “time.”
So, in order to travel back in time, you would need a way to revive the cells in all of the organisms and all of the matter on Earth and reverse that cellular decay. Not just humans and animals, but plants, buildings, everything. Not to mention all of the other variables that wouldn’t be in your control. The regenerative stuff just doesn’t really fly with me, though it might be the most realistic possibility given current advances in technology.
But, let me play devil’s advocate here and say the problem with this theory is that that’s not really time travel…more so, you’re recreating the past while remaining on a future trajectory. Take the dinosaurs, for instance – scientists have pretty well figured out how to genetically engineer a dinosaur, but that is not the same as hopping through a portal and popping up in the prehistoric era.
So, how do we pull ourselves out of our own existence and look at our own timeline like a book? If you think about it – reading a book is a linear process no different from our perspective of time. Yet, we can instantly flip to page 75 if we want to. We can read the last page…start over….start from our favorite chapter….wherever we want. How do we become “readers” of time in a way that natural law does not decay our bodies? We would have to figure that out, and I’m not sure what we currently know about physics can get us there.
There’s also the simulation theory, and that plays well with time travel. If the simulation is legitimate, then of course we can time travel! We could pop out of our chair in the Matrix and just replay our lives and the lives of anyone else like a DVD.
Solving time travel, to me, is all about how you frame time to begin with. You can’t solve the problem if you don’t truly know what it is. Honestly, I don’t know how time travel, as we generally perceive it in pop culture, is possible. I think it’s much more likely that we can come close to “time travel” by traveling to other dimensions at different points in their timelines and experiencing conditions that would be near identical to the time period desired from our own experiential dataset. If the infinite multiverse theory is proven to be true, and we figure out a way to basically point at another universe and shoot ourselves into it, then that might be the closest we can get to true time travel in the sense that we’re talking about.
As for where I will go once we do have time travel, I don’t know. Part of me would like to live in simpler times with smaller populations. But, part of me likes the technology we have now. I think I’d meet somewhere in the middle – I’d travel back to 1950, and I’d buy ever fucking comic book I could and preserve them like my life depended on it. I’d buy early stock in Amazon and Google….I’d get on the Bitcoin and Dogecoin craze…..and I’d live out my days as a wealthy man making bullshit content on the internet.
PS. Hot DAMN do I have a talent for writing a thousand words and saying nothing substantial at all.
Question:
I absolutely hate that shirt. Where did you get so I can avoid that store and not go out and but it immediately. Seriously though…did they have stock left?
— Ryan Watson (@RyanOnBroadway) October 22, 2021
Answer:
Ryan, I will let you and the rest of the internet know exactly where I bought this shirt so you guys can stay as far away from it as possible. It’s a site called Hardaddy and HOLY SHIT THEY HAVE CHRISTMAS SHIRTS NOW. I’ll admit that I bought this shirt for the comedy of it. I can get a lot of content out of it, but honestly, I was swindled by a stray Instagram ad. I’m a big time Hawaiian shirt guy in the summer time, so I get ads for that stuff all the time, and it just so happens that the almighty algorithm saw some company making these whack ass holiday shirts and thought, “man, this looks like it’s right up Stoney’s alley.” I absolutely bought it – hook, line, and sinker. And because of that, I’ve entered my personal information on some sketch ass website that’ll probably steal my identity before the year’s up. But, look at that shirt….worth it.
Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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