Tank the 401k Gambling Picks: 12/9/21

It is a scientifically proven fact that the only way to dig yourself out of a hole is to keep digging.

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stan’s Picks

Coming Soon

Steven’s Picks

You know you’ve had a disastrous season picking for this column if you’re popping bottles to celebrate going 3-2. Let’s see if I can go back-to-back weeks with a winning record.

Army -7
North Dakota St -26
Montana +7.5
Bucs/Bills o53.5
Dallas -4.5

Stoney’s Picks

At this point, I’m going to need a miracle to have a winning season. I am so depressed I’ve got the bottle of Jack Daniels out and I’m ready to buttchug it dry and raw. I don’t get it – I study hard and I get games wrong. I don’t give a fuck and I get games wrong. It’s like Vegas has my brain in a prison and I’m trapped wasting money each and every week. I am dying here. Anyway, here’s my picks…

Chiefs -9.5 – I actually like the Chiefs in this one because of how hot their defense has been as of late. I’m still not sure what the Raiders are, but I think the Chiefs are showing that they’re still Super Bowl contenders.
Chargers -10 – Mike Glennon or Jake Fromm at quarterback? Chargers by a million.
Titans -8.5 – I hate taking all these massive spreads this week, but what the fuck do I have to lose right now? Mike Vrabel has been great coming out of a bye. I think this team comes out focused and ready to get things right.
49ers @ Bengals, OVER 48.5 – I could see this game going either way. Regardless, I think this could be a sneaky fun fireworks show the way these two teams are capable of moving the ball and the way each defense is capable of allowing a ton of points. Not saying that’s the case on a consistent basis…just that the right ingredients are there for this one to be a surprisingly high scoring affair.
Bucs -3.5 – Fuck it. Let’s kick the Bills while they’re down.

Oh wait – I’m just at 48%. I don’t know why I was being so dramatic.

SEASON STATS

Stan last week: (2-3)
Stan’s 2021 W-L: (34-29-2) – 53.9%
Steven last week: (3-2)
Steven’s 2021 W-L: (26-40-4) – 39.3%
Stoney last week: (1-4)
Stoney’s 2021 W-L: (34-36) – 48.5%
SoBros last week: (6-9) – 30%
SoBros 2021 W-L: (94-105-6) – 47.2%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley