Hank the Tank Is an American Treasure and Should Be Protected As Such

Should park officials allow Hank the Tank to continue living his best life? Our brightest minds are wondering.

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I can’t log in to my New York Times account and read the fucking article – I never feel like a boomer more than when I’m trying to log in to one of these digital publications and can’t, for the life of me, remember which e-mail the account is tied to, what my password is, all of that stuff. Hell, I’m not even 100% sure that I do have a subscription to the New York Times. I need my grandson to keep up with this shit for me. Nonetheless, it is 2022, and we don’t need the full story or an accurate set of facts to operate with to report on a story. Not in this day and age – that shit doesn’t matter. So, I’m just going to dissect this tweet about Hank the Tank, an absolute unit at 500 pounds, that keeps gunning for California residents’ leftover pizza.

Look at him! He’s so round – I’d call him the William Howard Taft of bears, but there’s no way that Hank the Tank would ever get stuck in a bathtub (which…I think…was actually proven to be a myth, but again we don’t need that kind of facts in 2022). All this bear wants is your pizza crust and maybe half of that burger you tossed in the trash because you couldn’t finish it. In a way, I actually think it’s cruel to rob this beautiful creature of that delight. Who care if he could maul your entire family? He hasn’t done it yet, and he’s been on a hell of a bender since fucking JULY! I don’t know where this fits into the scientific method, but if it ain’t happened by now, it ain’t gonna happen.

Again, I can’t figure out technology so I have no idea how I can open this article, but I heard the boys on Football & Other F Words talking about this story this week and apparently, park rangers are trying to shoot this sumbitch because he’s not hibernating and they think he could get dangerous. This, despite the fact that local residents are reporting that he’s not even making rude faces at them! Unreal – if he was out there shooting looks reminiscent of a quick zoom-in scene from a Quentin Tarantino flick, I might understand. But, he’s not even threatening people.

My compromise here: let’s just take Hank the Tank to the dump and let him live out his days. Sure, you might have to hire someone to keep tabs on him as the trucks come and go, and you definitely wouldn’t want to run the compactor without knowing where he is, but imagine all the leftovers he could eat at the dump. It’s an easy solution, and a good example of the skills I would bring to the table in political office. I didn’t mean to turn a post about a massive bear rummaging through trash into the launch of a Presidential campaign, but that just organically happens to folks sometimes.

By the way, we’ve got an episode of Phone It In on the biological phenomenon that is hibernation in the SoBros Network podcast archives. Hank the Tank for life!

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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