Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter, email ’em to me anonymously at thesobrosnetwork@gmail.com. And, holy shit, I need to update this terrible intro paragraph that I’ve been using literally ever since I started writing this column…
Question:
If you could develop a hanky code specifically tailored to making platonic friends with your regular interests (i.e sports) what would it look like *signal cut*
— Thang Rang Do Ya Thang (@Xenoxands) March 10, 2022
Answer:
Well, I learned something new today, E. I had never heard of a hanky code until this very moment and I don’t know why more people aren’t doing it. It seems like an incredibly effective communication tool that makes intentions clear and safer for everyone. What I’m saying is I would like to be involved in a way that doesn’t signal to someone that I’m trying to get my ass eaten. I have a lot to learn. How about instead of a hanky, we use different colored shoe strings. Blue shoe strings mean “I love the Tennessee Titans.” Red shoe strings mean “I’m a big pad thai fan.” If I see someone wearing both, then I know I’ve just made a friend for life. I do think the SoBros Network crew needs its own sort of bat signal or something, though. Maybe we can come up with a gang sign, I don’t know.
We could also come up with a hanky code for which fragrance profile is your favorite from Yankee Candle – pink means floral, blue means fresh, orange means spice. We could also come up with something that signals both “I fuck with this SoBros crew” and also just “I’m DTF” in general. I’m just spitballin’ here.
Question:
If you got $25,000 every time you pressed a button but it has a 1% chance of permanently turning you into a small turtle, how many times are you pressing the button?
— brett, president of the rob manfred hate club (@thebrettclark) March 10, 2022
Answer:
I may sound like a lunatic for this one, but I don’t think I’m pressing the button at all. I’m actually quite happy with my human life. I don’t feel satisfied with what I’ve done on this Earth, and feel like there’s work left to be done. I would absolutely hate myself if I pressed the button once and turned into a turtle. You’d have to add a few zeroes to that to get me to bite. $25K ain’t doin’ it. I’m also just not an overly risky guy to begin with – a lot of what I do is carefully calculated and mulled over for days, maybe even weeks, before I reach a decision. This question just makes me anxious.
Question:
Recast the Avengers using American presidents
— Captain 2-3 (@MC_Cash75) March 11, 2022
Answer:
This first one might be controversial, but I’m going JFK as Captain America, because I don’t think it would’ve been hard to convince the man to take the super soldier serum to become Captain America. I mean, hell – the man was denied entry into the navy because his lower back was a big piece of shit, and then his daddy pulled some strings and got him in anyway. He pretty much is Captain America for that.
With his bravado and famous toughness, I gotta go with Teddy Roosevelt as Thor – walk tall and carry a big stick and all that. I’m leaning Barack Obama for Iron Man – an intelligent, well-spoken, charismatic leader. And, while many a folk would go George Washington as Captain America, I’m going George Washington as The Incredible Hulk because he was dumb strong, bull-headed and irritable. Washington is one of the most fascinating figures in U.S. history, but he’s honestly probably the closest thing we have to an actual Incredible Hulk. I got nothin’ for Hawkeye, though.
Question:
I heard about this awesome conspiracy theory that wentz was brought in to the Commanders to motivate Heinicke because he’s the main guy they like. Could be true…What’s your favorite sports conspiracy theory?
— Patrick Criswell (@PatCrizzy) March 11, 2022
Answer:
First of all, that sounds like an excellent conspiracy theory and I’ll bet whoever came up with it is one smart human. Regardless, I always default to the ‘Michael Jordan’s baseball year was a secret suspension because of his gambling problem’ – it has everything you want in a good, entertaining conspiracy theory. Drama, wild accusations, secrecy…the whole nine yards. The idea that that whole thing was a sham is really interesting to me because I felt like kids of my generation admired Jordan MORE for stepping away from the NBA to show that he could be a great two-sport athlete. But, what if it was all just a facade because the NBA didn’t want his gambling habit coming to light?! The ‘frozen envelope theory’ is a good one, too….along with the conspiracy theory that pro wrestling is fake. Cue up the Unsolved Mysteries theme.
Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.
