I don’t know about y’all, but for the entirety of my life…my 35 going on 36 years on this planet…I have never seen an angry turtle. They’re always so chill – going back to my childhood, and thinking about The Tortoise and the Hare, I just have never been able to even fathom the idea of a turtle being angry. Even snapping turtles – I remember being terrified of the all the urban legends about dudes hopping into a pond without knowing there were snapping turtles in it and getting their peckers bit right off. Even massive alligator turtles that I have encountered out on the ranch…an ancient-looking beast that could probably bite my calf clean off my leg…I’ve never once thought they were angry.
They were just protecting themselves by biting humans, but were otherwise very chill. That’s how they’ve always been portrayed – slow and laid back – in cartoons, stories, film, whatever. But, thanks to the don of gambling Twitter, Allan Bell, I’ve now seen evidence of a pissed off turtle coming for that action.
some dude posted a vid of a turtle mad at him and i have to agree.
— Allan Bell (@AllanBell247) April 8, 2022
this is the maddest turtle of all-time pic.twitter.com/U6UTaw9VCO
Man, I tell you what – if that turtle could legit swing hands, that man would be in trouble. That turtle had that “on sight” beef with this dude and his shiny black shoes. Not only have I never seen a turtle act with such rage in his heart, but I also don’t think I’ve ever seen a turtle move that fast. He came across the garden as if to say “enough, motherfucker.” Today is the day – this dude was destined to feel that shell clanking against his feet.
I love how you can see the moment the turtle realizes that his headbutts aren’t really doing the job. He tries to climb the guys leg (should’ve just bit down on those slacks, to be honest), and then looks blankly like, “well shit…now what?” What did he decide to do? Back to the well – more headbutts. More headbutts than you can handle, bruh. He just made up his mind that this guy’s mere existence wasn’t acceptable and he was going to headbutt his shoes until the cows come home. Honestly, I love and respect the energy.
Maybe there’s a dark side to turtles that the media hasn’t shared with us. There could be a larger conspiracy at play here, and turtles are not a species to be trifled with. We need answers.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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