Soaky Mountain Waterpark’s New Water Coaster Looks Wild

Soaky Mountain Waterpark has a brand new water coaster. We doing 'The Edge' or nah?

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Nothing says summertime like a trip to the Smoky Mountains – that is, if you’re a lifetime resident of Middle Tennessee like me. I grew up heading out to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg every summer as a kid, and to this day, in my now 36 years on this planet, I still get that itch to head to the mountains every summer. It’s a veritable rite of passage, but I’ll tell ya hwhut….it sure has changed since I was a kid. It used to feel like forever passed between our exit off of I-40 and the first few gift shops of Pigeon Forge. Now, it’s pretty much built out from the moment you get off the interstate through Gatlinburg. Part of that growth, as my wife and I have noticed on every drive into Sevierville in recent years, is thanks to the addition of Soaky Mountain Waterpark.

I swear…every time we drive by it, I think it has acquired more land. It’s growing. Before long, all of the Smoky Mountains will just be this singular waterpark. Really, I think this resentful tone I’m writing with is just deeply rooted in my jealousy of the kids who get to take their family vacations there now. I didn’t have any gargantuan water park up there when I was a kid. We had the pool at the Econo Lodge, and we had no choice but to like it. Personal biases aside, news broke this week that they would be adding a new water…*checks notes*…coaster to the park.

Courtesy of FOX17 News:

The two slides will have riders sit on double tubes before they are dropped three stories into a valley. Riders will then be propelled up a hill into an enclosed tube and dropped again where they will blast up a wall and dropped once again feeling extreme G forces.

Wake up, honey. New watercoaster just dropped. So, at the time of this writing, the watercoaster is now open. Since I haven’t seen any horrible stories on the news this week, I’m going to assume things are going pretty well instead of actually looking up whether or not things are going well. That’s the SoBros way. Anyway, I had never heard the term ‘watercoaster’ until today, and now, Soaky Mountain Waterpark, you have my attention.

This looks fun as hell. Am I allowed to do this if I am 6’2″ and weight 280 pounds? I don’t want to break your machinery or anything. I’m not sure how hardy this coaster is. Like, if it’s meant for kids, there’s no way. I’m going to go down that first ramp, come up the other side, and shoot straight up into the sky. RIPIP to me. But, if it was engineered for adults to ride, then I might have a shot. This is the down side to being fat. The plus side? You get to eat whatever you want. The down side? You might catch air and bust through the bottom of a watercoaster.

Either way, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, so save me a seat, Soaky Mountain. I’m coming.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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