I think the heart of what I’m going to write about today is considered “magic.” Definitely going to be doing some journalism about magic and the world of physics. I have something to share with the world when it comes to Budweiser’s 8oz can. There is something about it that just doesn’t make sense, and that’s what we do here at SoBros Network. We ask the important questions? I think.
Anyway, I had to kill some 8oz Budweisers from the fridge the other day – I love a good Bud heavy. You can call me a redneck. I don’t give a fuck. Sometimes, nothing hits like a Bud heavy. I spend all afternoon mowing the yard, getting all hot and sweaty, and I want something golden and refreshing as a reward. We just happened to have some in the fridge.
We initially bought it for our wedding – one of the bridesmaid’s husband’s is a big Bud heavy drinker, so we wanted to make sure we had plenty in stock that week. Me being the cheap bastard that I am, I’m always hunting a good deal. So, you can imagine my delight when I stroll up to the beer aisle and see a 12-pack of cans on sale for $8. Holy shit! Wal-Mart for the win, right?! Except I didn’t realize until I got home that they weren’t 12oz cans. “What is this? Beer for babies?” I thought to myself. “This is a shot of beer.” How could I have been so foolish not to notice. Am I so stingy that I jump at the chance to save money without even looking at what I’m buying? If so, then I have news for myself – I’m a fraud…because that’s not actually stingy. That’s frivolous, and I would never tolerate frivolity. I was disgruntled – I thought for sure that people were going to make fun of my Gerber beers.
However, something miraculous happened. I found that I was the only person that even gave a shit that there were four less ounces in these cans. Once again, I am the only one magnifying my problems. No one held it against me – they just drank two beers instead of one. I remarked on Budweiser’s genius upon realizing this. Instead of consuming 12oz, they had tricked us booze hounds into drinking 16. And, if I’m being honest, I really did feel cool drinking these. The cans are so tiny that my hand felt massive holding one. I thought that must be what Andre the Giant felt like when he drank regular beers, and if you know me, you know how much I’ve wanted to live my life through the lens and experience of Andre the Giant.
So, how do they do it? How have they made something that is clearly less beer and gotten us to drink more beer? How have they somehow made me feel James Dean cool for drinking out of a can that is roughly the same size as a salt shaker? How has Budweiser bent the space-time continuum? Until next time, this has been Unsolved Mysteries.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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