Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.
STEVEN’S PICKS
I’m starting to get used to this winning thing. I’ve been above .500 two out of the last three weeks, so let’s keep this train running.
- Alabama-7 I have been singing the praises of the Volunteers all season, but I feel this is the game where they find out that they are still a year away. It will be a close competitive game but Coach Saban will have the Tide ready for the rowdy Knoxville crowd.
- Vandy +38.5 I feel I may be reaching here, but this Vanderbilt team is built different. They are leaps and bounds better than last year and are facing a Bulldogs team that has had problems putting away inferior opponents.
- Clemson -3.5 I have to keep riding the Tigers train since I predicted them to make the playoffs and giving up 3.5 points to Mike Norvell and the Seminoles should not be a hard task to cover.
- Memphis -5 I am putting all of my confidence behind the Tigers coming out extremely pissed off over what happened against Houston last week and ready to put a complete ass whooping on East Carolina
- Bills/Chiefs o54 I know it’s too early to Flex games but this matchup is ready for primetime. I have all the faith in the world that there will be points galore scored in this game.
STONEY’S PICKS
Fuck me. I’m in the worst slump of my Tank the 401k career – 0-9-1 over the course of the last two weeks. Hopefully, you guys are just betting on Steven’s picks while I’m getting my asshole wallered out by the sports books. If I didn’t feel compelled to keep this Tank the 401k tradition going, I’d consider backing out of the season and spending the rest of the year butt-chugging gin and just keeping up with Steven’s picks. Anyway, gotta fight through the pain, and I really like this week’s board. Let’s try and get back to .500 one week at a time ffs.
- Minnesota -6.5 – Illinois has been a nice story, but I don’t think they’ll be able to move the ball on this Golden Gophers defense (especially if they end up having to play their backup quarterback). I wouldn’t be surprised to see Minnesota win this one 17-9 or something like that.
- Oklahoma -8.5 – Don’t fall for this trap – bettors might look at that line on the surface and think Kansas is easy money in this spot, but don’t lose sight of how different this Sooners offense is with Dillon Gabriel at quarterback, who is expected to return on Saturday. The Jayhawks are down their Heisman candidate quarterback in Jalon Daniels, too. The Sooners get right this week.
- Florida -2.5 – I like the Gators defense to absolutely rattle LSU at home. We’re not trusting this team to beat anybody by double digits anymore after that Mizzou game a week ago, but I think they’re going to give a shaky LSU offensive line fits in the swamp.
- USC +3.5 – The Utes were absolutely gashed by UCLA running the ball last week. Is that miraculously going to change in a week’s time? I don’t think so, and don’t look now, but here comes a two-headed monster at running back with a Heisman-contending quarterback that can take the ball and run too. This is a statement game for the Trojans.
- Tennessee +7 – I hate to go against Steven here because it means that one of us will be wrong, but I start going down the checklist and the Vols check a lot of boxes. The Alabama secondary hasn’t been particularly good this season, and the Vols are going to air it out on offense with a quarterback who is careful and safe with the football. It’s starting to trickle out that Bryce Young probably isn’t going to play in this game, and with Jalen Milroe at quarterback, who takes sacks and fumbles balls, I think that’s an advantage for the Vols defense. On offense, Alabama has virtually no deep threat, and will probably try to get back to running the ball, which won’t be effective if this turns into a shootout. I don’t know that the Vols are going to outright win this one, but I think it’s going to be a good game, and I think Tennessee is going to keep it close. I wouldn’t be surprised if they caught ‘Bama in a vulnerable spot. They haven’t exactly looked good against teams that have legit passing attacks, they’ve committed dumb penalties, and they’re turning the ball over at a rate that is very concerning. They’re playing uninspired, sloppy ball where the Vols have the mojo goin’ for ’em. Uhhh…did I mention this one is in Knoxville, too???
What if I just came out and told y’all to take alternative spreads to try and get my percentage back up? “Yes, take the Seahawks, Saints, Chiefs, Giants, and the Colts +50 this week.”
SEASON STATS
- Steven last week: (3-2)
- Steven’s 2021 W-L: (14-19) – 42.4%
- Stoney last week: (0-4-1)
- Stoney’s 2022 W-L: (14-19-1) – 42.4%
- SoBros last week: (3-6-1) – 33.3%
- SoBros 2022 W-L: (28-38-1) – 42.4%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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