One of the things I actually love about the United States of America is our abundance of lawsuits. You wanna be a judge in this country? Well, you better buckle up, buddy! These people are going to put your ass to work. But, without that, we wouldn’t have cultural icons such as Judge Judy and She-Hulk, who make up apart of the fabric of Americana. So, the next time you want to scoff at a frivolous lawsuit, just remember that bit and hold your tongue. Today, I’d like to shine a light on a new lawsuit that has been brought to my attention, in which a dude is going to take on big hot sauce. Specifically, he’s going to be suing Texas Pete because, and prepare yourself for this shocking revelation, it’s not actually made in Texas.
You might assume that Texas Pete hot sauce is surely made in the Lone Star State. Well, my friend, it’s actually produced hundreds of miles east of Texas, in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. While many of us might be slightly surprised by this spicy factoid, one Los Angeles man was so disappointment that he filed a class-action lawsuit against Texas Pete.
Have you ever been so disappointed by finding out something isn’t made where or how you thought that you called up a fucking lawyer and took someone to court?!? I can’t even fathom being that disappointed in a culinary item. I’ve eaten some shitty food in my day, and I’ve been disappointed by many a meal, but I have never in my life thought, “I must sue these frauds!” I don’t get it, but man, listen…if this isn’t the okie doke of the century, I don’t know what is. This is an example on just how creative you have to be to get the bag in this economy.
We need to start compiling a list of other items and institutions that are named after places they weren’t created in. Did they make Mars bars on Mars? No? Well, fuck them – I’m suing because I’m disappointed. Do they still make Mars bars? I can’t remember the last time I’ve even seen one, so that joke is probably not going to land, but you get my point. Did Ronald McDonald, founder of fast food chain McDonald’s, make my Big Mac? No? The outrage! See your ass in court, Ronald!
It’s cold out in these streets, believe me. You better have your shit sewn up or someone’s going to come for it. Don’t ask me how I know. I don’t know if my lawyers want me talking about it or not, even three years later. Anyway, it’s never been of more paramount important to make sure your walk is backed up by your talk. The next thing we know, people are going to be coming for treasures such as Santa Fe Cattle Company, Brazilian waxes, and general tso’s chicken.
Editor’s Note: I didn’t have any Texas Pete on hand, so I just snapped a photo of the only hot sauce I had in the fridge for this featured image. I’m not trying to get sued (again) for this shit. I wouldn’t have Texas Pete in the fridge anyway. We are a Louisiana Hot Sauce household.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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