This might come as a surprise to the masses, but I’m actually not a professional fighter. I’m actually not even an amateur fighter. I can probably count the number of legit fist fights I’ve ever been in on one hand. But, I’ve been around enough people who have been in numerous fights, and we all know I’ve broken down enough fights shown on the internet that I feel confident in sharing what you guys shouldn’t do if you ever find yourself, by choice or otherwise, engaged in fisticuffs with another. A few things you absolutely cannot do:
Take a shot to the nose – That’s going to fuck you up so bad…just about worse than anything. Your eyes are going to start watering like crazy…you won’t be able to see. You won’t be able to breathe. You’re a sitting duck. You might as well call the fight at this point.
Throw a chair – I’m just saying…if you escalate it to this level, just be sure you end the fight with it. Otherwise, you’re going to be putting a no-holds-barred energy out there and if you test the wrong person, they will kill you.
The Stone Cold Stunner – I’m not trying to say that wrestling moves won’t work in a real fight because I promise you if you shoot DDT a motherfucker in the club, you’re probably going to kill them. But, this one is a little more hard to pull off. I’m only
Open hand slap – While this is one of the single most disrespectful things you can do to another person, it is a weird move to pull off once things start getting heavy. It just doesn’t do that much damage, and it will also let your opponent know that you have no idea what you’re doing.
Keep your hands down – I have a theory that if you can absorb your opponent’s best shot, you can get a mental advantage. If they hit you with all they have, and you just eat it and keep swinging, they’re going to panic. But, this one is largely dependent upon your ability to take a hit, because it’s also possible that your opponent’s best shot could also just knock you out. So, generally speaking, you should probably keep your hands up to avoid a concussion and not get slept.
Wear flip-flops – Just kick ’em off. Don’t try and fight in flip-flops. It’ll also look really tough if you fight someone barefoot, especially if you’re fighting in a gravel driveway. Your feet absolutely will hurt afterwards though.
Pull out your dick – I can appreciate the crazy guy strategy where you just do something off the wall to distract your opponent and maybe even make them think twice about fighting you, but for one, you better be sure you have the dick worth showing off. Two, if you dangle it out there, just know that it becomes a target and your opponent could rather easily give it a devastating tug.
Shit your pants – I saw this happen in a locker room fight, and it was ultimately the deciding factor in the contest. One guy was trying to hard not to doo-doo, and then he ended up doo-dooing all over himself, and he lost the fight because he was trying so hard not to. It’s just a bad spot to be in because it splits your focus between trying to protect yourself and to not ruin your jeans. I would advise taking dumps as soon as you possibly can to avoid being faced with this dilemma.
If you don’t do any of those things, you should be good. That’ll be $5 now if you read this whole thing. My life coaching is not free.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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