I’ve been dying to re-watch the entirety of the Lord of the Rings series. I don’t think I’ve re-watched any of ’em since I was in college like 15 years ago. When I heard that they dropped ’em on Netflix, I knew I would literally never have a better chance. There is no time like the present. Plus, my wife has never seen any of these movies, so I wanted to introduce her to the glory of peak Viggo Mortensen. That’s why I’ve hardly been writing this week. I’ve been spending all of my free time watching these fantastic, iconic movies.
But, it did stir a thought within me as we watched the first installment over the weekend. There’s such a rat race to obtain IP in this day and age of blockbuster filmmaking – every reboot feels like an average retelling of the original story. Where’s the creativity in that? If you’re going to reboot franchises, at least do it with some juice. That’s why I tweeted out “let’s reboot Lord of the Rings with the Frat Pack guys.” It would be a totally different tone for the franchise, obviously. But, it would make for one wild journey.
So, here we are – that’s literally the inspiration for what is going to end up being like a thousand words of nonsense here. I was drinking gin on Friday night and thought to myself, “heh – what if they did Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring with Ben Stiller at the helm?” I immediately started casting characters because I have no self control over myself and my ideas, and even if I’m the only one entertained by this exercise, I’m still going to see it through. And with that deep, thought-provoking intro, here are my casting choices for Lord of the Rings as done by the Frat Pack.
Rebooting Lord of the Rings With the Frat Pack
Ben Stiller as Frodo Baggins – He started it all. He’s been at the center of it all. He’s our easy choice for the main protagonist.
Owen Wilson as Samwise Gamgee – If Ben Stiller is going to be Frodo, then the obvious choice for Sam is Owen Wilson.
Jack Black as Pippin Took – I’m pretty sure that Jack Black is as close to an actual hobbit as we’re going to get in real life anyway. He was born to play one.
Luke Wilson as Merry Brandybuck – Of course we have to round out our troop from The Shire with another of the Frat Pack OGs.
Paul Rudd as Aragorn – I swear I’m not just saying it because of the Marvel stuff….but maybe I am actually just saying it because of the Marvel stuff. Paul Rudd is one of the few members of this circle that has real hero qualities.
Bill Murray as Gandalf – This is a role you have to do right, and you have to do it big. It’s going to be a parody, so it has to be funny. But, I think you still have to have someone with their own brand of wisdom to pull it off.
Orlando Bloom as Legolas – In true frat pack comedy fashion, we’re going to have one person from the original cast come back and play his character. We’re never going to address it in the movie except for some keen fourth wall breaking, but we’re just going to act like it’s completely normal and expected.
Danny McBride as Gimli – I’m not quite sure I can explain this one, but you guys see it, right?
Michael Cera as Gollum – Michael Cera may be the most Gollum-esque actor on the planet.
Kathryn Hahn as Arwen – Underrated acting chops. Underrated comedy chops. We have to get Kathryn Hahn involved in this project somehow.
Seth Rogen as Boromir – “One does not simply walk into Mordor” *Seth Rogen laugh*
Steve Carrell as Saruman – Saruman can’t see the forest for the trees, no pun intended, and ultimately, ends up feeling like a type of Steve Carrell character anyway.
Leslie Mann as Galadriel – Couldn’t possibly make this movie without Leslie Mann, and she’s perfect for the Lady of the Wood.
Will Ferrell as Elrond – Fancy ass Elrond is perfect for the classic Will Ferrell upper middle class monologue and humor.
Zac Efron as Eomer – He’s going to show up somewhere in this movie. You know it’s going to be either him or Channing Tatum.
John C. Reilly as Theoden – Honestly, I think he would play the scene where he goes from decrepit old possessed man to normal guy hilariously, and I just want him to be the one that delivers the “so it begins” line.
Vince Vaughn as Treebeard – Let’s leave Treebeard the same CGI character and all, but let’s give him Vince Vaughn’s voice.
Steve Coogan as Wormtongue – They always seem to have Steve Coogan doing some weird shit in these movies, so the most logical landing spot for him here is Wormtongue.
Jonah Hill as Bilbo – Imagine This Is The End when they do the possession scene. Now, tell me Hill isn’t the obvious choice for Bilbo when he does that crazy freak out on Frodo.
There are going to be a million different cameos in this thing too, because you know this crew loves them a good surprise cameo. Ryan Gosling and Tom Cruise are going to show up as orcs. We’re going to make Dave Bautista the Uruk-hai leader. Russell Crowe is going to be a random hobbit in The Shire. Alright, I think I got just about all of them. If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments and we’ll keep casting ’em.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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