XFL Week 1: The Beer Snake Is BACK!

The XFL returned in grand fashion over the weekend.

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The XFL is back! As the league kicked off its inaugural season (for the third time) over the weekend, tensions were high. A nation that craves American tackle football, a week after its biggest game had ended, desperately wanting to keep that football train going…but could the XFL keep up the momentum it gained before covid shut it down in 2020? At least from where I sit, they’re off to a great start.

First and foremost, the access that the broadcast team has to XFL teams on the field is unparalleled. I mean, hell, we’re sitting there watching the game and hearing play calls! That seems problematic for the coaches from a strategic standpoint, but I guess everyone had to have signed off on that, right? We got to see an official call in a review from the booth and be in on that process. Guys are on the sideline grabbing dudes out of touchdown celebrations to talk to them. It’s crazy! The NFL would never institute this, but it does really create an immersive experience for the fan.

Second, we really got to dive into all of these innovative rule changes that the XFL has implemented. Like, you have the option to go for three from the 10-yard line after a score. A three-point conversion! Who has heard of such a thing? Also, instead of an onside kick, you’re allowed the choice to go for it on a 4th & 15 from your own 25 to keep the game going. We saw both of these in dramatic fashion as the St. Louis Battlehawks completed an insane comeback to defeat the San Antonio Brahmas.

AJ McCarron looked like shit for most of the game against the Brahmas, but man, he really turned it on in the 4th quarter when it mattered most. It was like watching the 2011-12 Alabama Crimson Tide all over again. Seeing his postgame interview with his kids running up to hug him, you can’t possibly tell me that this league doesn’t mean anything. The XFL is all heart.

Of course, we also go some of the hard hits that the XFL brand is known for, and while sure, knowing what we do about CTE in 2023, I was cringing, I’m sure there’s a large contingency of fans who would call me a pussy that absolutely love all of these concussion-inducing hits. So, hey – I guess you guys have that going for you.

I thought we were in for a dud as the first game of the weekend kicked off between the Arlington Renegades and the Vegas Vipers. I don’t know if it was just early season jitters or what, but both of these offenses looked like ass. The Bob Stoops offense in the XFL looked a lot like dudes trying to run through quicksand. So, Arlington just kept kicking field goals to hang around and then out of nowhere, BOOM – they get two….not one…but count ’em….TWO…pick-six touchdowns to win the game 22-20. Unbelievable.

The Houston Roughnecks looked like the best team of the bunch in Week 1, with an offensive output of 33 points with Brandon Silvers at the helm (I’m still waiting for Cole McDonald to get his shot at quarterback though he did have a rushing touchdown in the game), and a defensive effort that generated seven sacks and three interceptions. Former Tennessee Titans training camp darling Deontay Burnett had an insane highlight reel touchdown in the game too!

But, the biggest and most dramatic story of the weekend comes from the bout between the Seattle Sea Dragons and the DC Defenders, home of the fabled XFL beer snake from 2020. The fans apparently brought it back for 2023, however stadium security was having none of it. The beer snake was ripped from the crowd’s hands. In protest, get this shit – fans just started hurling lemons at the field. Where did they get all of these lemons? Did someone bring a bag with them just in case? Were they serving whole lemons in beer and/or iced tea? I don’t understand. Nonetheless, they had to actually stop the game and clear the field for player safety. Once the action resumes, the Defenders score on a pick-six and the stadium loses its collective mind. You only wish you could write a script this good.

They’re smart to brand the XFL as a “for love of the game” league with a developmental partnership with the NFL. I said it three years ago, and I’ll say it again – the spring has been there for the taking for decades. Can the XFL be the league that sticks? One week in, and we got two fantastic comeback wins, the return of the beer snake, and some definite CTE. I hope people are paying attention because the football is only going to get better as all of these coaches and players settle into a more normal season routine. I’m hooked! LFG!

XFL Power Rankings (Week 1)

  1. Houston Roughnecks
  2. DC Defenders
  3. Seattle Sea Dragons
  4. St. Louis Battlehawks
  5. Arlington Renegades
  6. San Antonio Brahmas
  7. Vegas Vipers
  8. Orlando Guardians

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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