It’s hard to believe, but another WrestleMania is just on the horizon this weekend. It’s the WWE’s biggest event, and for lifelong wrestling fans like myself, it’s a staple of the calendar each and every year. Quite simply, it doesn’t get any bigger than “the Granddaddy of ’em All.” Wait – didn’t they stop using that tagline because Vince McMahon said it made the product feel old? Anyway, you get my point. WrestleMania 39 is here, and for those of you who have supported SoBros Network throughout the years, you know that means there’s a drinking game that comes along with it. So, here we are – my WrestleMania 39 Drinking Game.
I have to tip my cap to the WWE for this one, as they’ve put together what looks like one of the sneakiest WrestleMania cards ever…at least on paper. They’ve somehow put both of the straps on Roman Reigns for nearly a thousand days, and it hasn’t gotten stale. Quite the contrary, actually. The Bloodline run has developed into one of the greatest storylines in WWE history. Out of it sprawled two highly anticipated and highly emotional matches. Reigns will defend his titles against Cody Rhodes, who returned to the WWE a year ago and put on a banger with Seth Rollins. A year later, he’s a Royal Rumble winner who has scratched and clawed his way to this moment, and he’s aiming to add to his family’s legacy. You just can’t beat that, folks…or can you? I mean, look at this WWE Undisputed Tag Team Championship match.
Sami Zayn joins The Bloodline as an honorary Uce and out of nowhere, it becomes one of the most riveting and dramatic storylines in recent years. The ending of the Royal Rumble…*chef’s kiss*…was prime soap opera wrestling. For it all to lead to Zayn reuniting with Kevin Owens to take on The Usos in one of the biggest tag title matches of all time. But, it’s not just what has come out of the WWE’s biggest act going that makes this card look so stacked.
You also have two Womens Championship matches that feature four of the best wrestlers on the planet right now, Charlotte Flair vs. Rhea Ripley and Bianca Belair vs. Asuka. Logan Paul has proven to be a natural in the squared circle, and he’s going up against one of the best and most reliable in the game in Seth Rollins. John Cena is returning to action to take on the upstart Austin Theory for the United States Championship. We have three downright bruisers going at it for the Intercontinental Championship in a triple threat between Gunther, Sheamus, and Drew McIntyre. That match could lead to Sheamus finally getting his grand slam title as the Intercontinental Championship is the only belt to avoid his trophy case so far. Trish Stratus and Lita return to team with Becky Lynch to take on Damage CTRL. We’re getting a Hell in a Cell match between Edge and Finn Balor. Father is battling son as Rey Mysterio takes on Dominik Mysterio. They’ve even sold me on a moment I never thought I’d be wanting to see if Brock Lesnar can actually get that big sonofagun Omos up for the F5.
Folks, this really could be an all-timer of a WrestleMania, and I don’t think they’re even done building out the card! An occasion like this calls for your finest glass, so pour ’em up and let’s get to my WrestleMania 39 Drinking Game!
WRESTLEMANIA 39 DRINKING GAME
TAKE A DRINK IF/WHEN…
- Dusty Rhodes is mentioned.
- Anyone has new tights (‘Mania season, baby!)
- Someone hits their finisher.
- Anyone uses a foreign object (reminder: a ladder is not considered a foreign object in a ladder match).
- Someone interferes in a match.
- They announce the attendance figures.
- There’s a surprise return.
- A father assaults his son (again).
- There’s a John Cena hair joke.
- Someone mentions Roman Reigns’ historic reign as champion.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up. Finish your drink if he delivers a stunner.
- Brock Lesnar lifts Omos off his feet.
- A European guy wins the Intercontinental Championship…
- Braun Strowman and Otis end up slappin’ meat in the showcase match.
- We get demon Finn Balor.
- There’s pyro during an entrance.
- You hear the term “mami.”
- The longevity of Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn’s friendship is discussed. Double drink if they mention Montreal.
- Logan Paul goes to the top rope.
TAKE A SHOT IF/WHEN…
- A title changes hands.
- A match goes 20 minutes or longer.
- Anyone on the entire show bleeds.
- There’s a botch.
- The Bloodline actually breaks up
That’s it, folks. Let’s get lit. And, as usual, if you’re not planning on drinking from the comfort of your own home, be sure to find a DD or utilize ridesharing apps such as Lyft or Uber. We don’t want anyone to die. Otherwise, HAPPY WRESTLEMANIA! LET’S GOOOOOOO!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
Subscribe to the SoBros Network Patreon here – $5/month gets you instant access to an exhaustive content library of articles, podcasts, and videos created exclusively for our subscribers!
