(Patreon) Stoney Sees: White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

With a reboot just around the corner, Stoney fires up 1992's White Men Can't Jump for the first time.

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Some of you might already know this about me, but I’ll share it for the rest of the room. I could probably count the number of movies I’ve seen that were made before the year 2001 on both hands. No real reason for it – I just wasn’t a big movie kid growing up. I didn’t really start watching movies until I was in high school and we started going to the mall every Friday night. For some reason, there’s a contingent of the SoBros Network team and fan base that really want me to watch some of the classics of yesteryear. So, I figured I’d do that and document the experiences of seeing some of these classics for the first time in the year 2022. Today, we’re watching the Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes bromance, White Men Can’t Jump, from 1992. These are my thoughts.

Hollywood is going to reboot everything, I swear. White Men Can’t Jump is no different – in May, the reboot starring Jack Harlow….*checks notes* yeah, Jack Harlow and Sinqua Walls is going to drop. I know nothing about this movie, but I watched the preview for it, and I just can’t see the vision beyond capitalizing on the nostalgia the first movie holds. Like…is this even going to be any good? Hell, I don’t know if the original is even any good! That’s why we’re here today! We’re going to get to the bottom of it. 

This has been one of those popular 90s movies that, for whatever reason, I just never made it around to watching. But, I’ve heard from friends who have that it’s a pretty fun, simple movie. I’ve also heard that it’s not really a movie that would fly in 2023. It’s on Tubi right now, and coming across it the other night is what inspired the first edition of ‘Stoney Sees’ for 2023. I saw it, and was like, “wait – this is what they’re rebooting with Jack Harlow and it looks cringe.” So, let’s get to it! These are my notes and unfiltered thoughts on White Men Can’t Jump while I watched it for the first time!

White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

*Okay, so right off the bat, I get why this couldn’t be made in 2023. Call it a trigger warning if you want, but hearing a hard “er” come out of Snipes’ mouth was rather jarring. That kind of caught me off guard. I also didn’t realize how many f-bombs they were going to drop in this one, too.

*I’m having a hard time grasping what this movie is even actually about. They’re just playing basketball and talking a bunch of shit to each other. Is this a movie about shit talking?

*Man, I forgot all about back in the day when “yo mama” jokes were all the rage. 

*When homeboy said “my Bunyans hurt – get somebody to fill in for me,” I felt that shit down in my bones.

*This is some peak Rosie Perez, folks. Whew. You know what I’m saying. 

*I love the style of this movie. It seems like such a staple of it, it’s a part of the vibe…how are they going to recreate this? 90s fashion was vibrant and cool. Fashion these days…oh fuck…I sound like an old man, don’t I? 

*There is a ton of memorable and funny shit talk in this movie. That seems to make it highly quotable. I wonder if this movie was to its generation what Anchorman was to mine…where we all just sit around quoting the movie all day. “It’s pretty. It’s so pretty.”

*Damn, he just straight up threw a glass of water on prime Rosie Perez. Yeah, this seems problematic. 

*I’m in on this movie. This is a pure popcorn flick with some hilarious one-liners. The chemistry between Harrelson and Snipes is totally off the charts. I had no idea this was such a strong bromance. 

*Rosie Perez is coming on to Woody Harrelson while he’s trying to drive a car and all I can think is “they’re saying racist stuff and not wearing seat belts.”

*What a twist – the hustler gets hustled. Are we….are we actually adding some conflict, depth, and layers to White Men Can’t Jump? Maybe there’s more to this movie than I thought.

*Oh, there it is….white men can’t jump because Woody Harrelson can’t dunk. For the record, he’s at least touching the rim. 

*LMAO her character trying to get on Jeopardy sounds like a SoBros Comedy bit I would’ve written.

*Man, we ARE getting some depth here! Things are really bottoming out for Woody Harrelson’s character here! 

*Okay, here we go – here’s the redemption arc…let’s see where this story takes us! 

*A hook shot! Here’s a fun little aside for us. I was a terrible basketball player. I used to hop in pick-up games at the rec center at MTSU back in my day and I could never even dribble the fucking ball. I was that dude who would either immediately shoot or immediately pass the ball no matter where I was on the court. It was either going up or it was going to someone else. But, somehow, I developed an automatic hook shot that I could hit no matter where I was on the court. It was unbelievable, and I honestly have no idea how it even happened. 

*I’ll be damned. She fuckin’ made it to Jeopardy. I don’t know that we needed this 10-minute sidebar, but here we are. This has gotten a little off the rails. I kind of missed this when it was just basketball and talking shit. I don’t know what we’re doing here.

*Okay, I see what’s happening here – Wesley Snipes has been robbed…they’re both down on their luck…they’re going to come together to win some big money! I get that this is an attempt at ‘heart’ for this movie, but just give me Snipes and Harrelson talking shit to one another and playing basketball. That’s all we need.

*Wait….that’s it? That’s the end? Where’s the resolution?!?! Did they just give us the artsy ‘the ending is what you make it’ move on WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP!?!?! Where did we go wrong here, folks?!

I thought we had something here, guys. This felt like a tale of two movies. In the first act, I loved the charisma that Harrelson and Snipes had. I found the humor to be there. I liked the story. But, that final act just gets so far away from what gave this movie potential. I’m out. My star rating: 4.97/10.

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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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