From 2017: Transformers: The Last Knight, the fifth entry in to this loud and obnoxious franchise, is clocked at a couple of minutes over three hours.
THREE F’N HOURS.
I always knew the director of these things, Michael Bay, was a twisted bastard, but this has gotten way out of hand. Back in 2007, when the first Transformers movie was released, I found it pretty awesome. These types of movies are not good for the acting. They never are and never will be. What we come to see is the spectacle of it all. In the beginning, the astounding visuals and exhilarating action sequences were a sight to see.
That was then and this is now. As the sequels started to be dumped out in the summer every few years, the amazement has whittled down, and not even transforming dinos can save it. There tends to be less and less of a story (if you thought that was even possible at this point), and just more noise to distract us. And hey, Bay has made a career of doing such things, and I’m not a spiteful Bay hater either. Independence Day, The Rock, Bad Boys, Armageddon, they are all entertaining. The dude knows how to make blockbusters.
But WTF Michael!?!? You’re getting too comfortable playing with Hollywood’s never-ending stream of cash flow, and it’s been showing for awhile. With all of that said, people still show up to see his movies. So, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And that’s precisely why the Transformers movies still have a beating heart in their metal chests.
A fan or not, three hours is asking a lot for any audience to sit through any movie. Transformers: The Last Knight is no Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, or Titanic, or The Godfather Part II. Perhaps an unfair comparison. Actually, I know it is, but those aforementioned films are worth sitting through. T: Last Knight? Not so much. And no I haven’t seen it, but I have four other movies to base that prediction off of.
Finally, I want to talk about the children. Our sweet, precious children that are the future of this world. They love Transformers. Want proof?
See. Told you.
As much fun as these toys may be, these youngsters won’t even play with this shit for three hours! You think they’ll want to sit in a movie theater and watch 25 minutes’ worth of previews and then a three hour movie on top of that?! Bring a diaper kid because you ain’t never leaving! I’m predicting now that a five year old boy will walk in to Transformers: The Last Knight and walk out with a beard on his face.
With each year, a Transformers movie is released, it gets a little longer in run-time and a lot more dumber. It’s going in the wrong direction. Take Optimus Prime and the rest of his robot pals back to their roots. And closer to two damn hours.
Brandon Vick is a member of The Music City Film Critics’ Association and the Southeastern Film Critics Association, the resident film critic of the SoBros Network, and the star of The Vick’s Flicks Podcast. Follow him on Twitter @SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.
Subscribe to the SoBros Network Patreon here – $5/month gets you instant access to an exhaustive content library of articles, podcasts, and videos created exclusively for our subscribers!
