Assembling a Football Team Made of Pokemon

Stoney Keeley put together a football team consisting of Pokemon.

Share This Post

Like every good writer, I took to Twitter to find inspiration. It’s not that I’m battling writer’s block necessarily. Sometimes, I just get burnt out and exhausted to the point that there’s not a thought to be found in my brain. To figure out what I wanted to run this week on this here website, I just called for writing assignments, and you guys stepped up in a big way. This article was suggested by Grizzler: “I always thought it would be interesting to construct an ideal football roster with Pokémon (can be based on designs or stats or both). No legendaries or anything (mewtwo). Who’s going to be a stud OL? WR? QB? Other limitations can be put on the pool you’re choosing from. Could be a draft, could be just from one generation. Just an interesting thought experiment.” So, let’s do it. Let’s build a starting 22 out of nothing but Pokemon.

The All-Pokemon Offense

QB: Machamp – Machamp is the perfect blend of strength and athleticism that people are lusting over at the quarterback position right now. He strikes me as a good leader too. Just seems like the natural choice for the guy who’s going to lead this franchise.

RB: Geodude – he’s a strong mfer that has a low center of gravity. I trust him to pick up the tough yards whenever we need ’em.

WR: Alakazam – Need someone elusive at wide receiver, and I don’t know that they get more elusive than Alakazam. He’ll bring speed and versatility to the receiving room.

WR: Kabutops – We’re going to build out a complete receiving corps here. To complement Alakazam’s speed and elusiveness, Kabutops will be that durable chain-mover that wins contested catches.

TE: Electabuzz – I want my tight end to be athletic, but he has to have some size and toughness to get out in space and throw a block too.

LT: Blastoise – Blastoise is like if JC Latham was a Pokemon. So, I’m going with the JC Latham of Pokemon to be my franchise left tackle.

LG: Tauros – I don’t need my guards to be spring athletes…just take up space and move what’s in front of you. We’ve got the skill positions to handle the open field. We’re going to line up and pound the football.

C: Bulbasaur – I need a Pokemon with some size, some athleticism, but a low center of gravity to play center. Bulbasaur fits the bill.

RG: Rhydon – I know I said I wanted beef hogs at guard, but I need at least one that is capable of getting in space if we’re going to be running power and counter and the like.

RT: Poliwrath – Poliwrath looks like an athlete and has the hands to punch and grab as a tackle.

The All-Pokemon Defense

EDGE: Nidoqueen and Nidoking – These poison Pokemon are like adding Aaron Donald and Jeffery Simmons to your defensive line.

DT: Snorlax – Yeah, we’re going to have some big beef up in front if you can’t tell. These three will be impenetrable while the feisty athletes behind ’em shoot through gaps to make plays.

OLB: Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee – My linebackers have to be fighters. They have to have that dawg in ’em. But, they need to have the speed to rush the passer and cover guys in the open field.

MLB: Sandshrew – I need a tough durable sumbitch in the middle that can hit hard.

SS: Mankey – Every secondary needs a wild man.

FS: Meowth – I want a shifty guy in the secondary that will scratch a bitch to make a play.

CB: Beedrill – I want a nasty mfer back there that’s going to make life hell for opposing receivers.

CB: Golbat – Golbat qualifies as a nasty mfer too but he’s going to be that dude on defense that gets too many penalties because he’s taking cheap shots after the whistle. I’ll live with it as long as his teammates police him and don’t let it get too out of hand.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

SoBros Network and Stacking The Inbox have teamed up for the greatest premium content collaboration in the history of Nashville. Get all of the Tennessee Titans and NFL Draft coverage you need on top of premium SoBros Network content such as The Movie Review Rewind Podcast, Sports Punch, and much more! Only $5/month gets you instant access to an exhaustive content library of articles, podcasts, and videos created exclusively for our subscribers! Sign up on Substack today!

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Get updates and learn from the best

More To Explore