Live on the Scene From the Mount Juliet Costco

Reporting live on the scene from Mount Juliet, Stoney Keeley braves the recently opened Costco.

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My wife and I faced quite the tragic dilemma on Saturday morning. We needed a day at the Mount Juliet library to get some work done. Seriously, it’s a great place to get shit done. Find a table, lock in, hammer it out, and when you need a couple of moments to catch your breath, just walk to the back corner of the building and admire the wind blowing through the trees for a little bit. It’s amazing. But, it was an early morning. We were up and out of the house by 8:15AM. If I may be a basic bitch for a moment, I’ll share that I simply cannot function until I’ve had my morning coffee. So, we stopped at Scooter’s Coffee for a cup. OH NO! I gasped. You can’t take food and beverages into the library, yet I just ordered this giant cup of coffee five minutes up the road! My wife proposed, “why don’t we drive around and scope out the new Costco while we finish our coffee?

JUST drive by? JUST scope it out? Somewhere in the distance of the back of my head, a voice cried out, “don’t buy it,” but I didn’t listen. I wanted to enjoy my coffee and I knew this would be some time. “Sure,” I agreed. So we cut through to Golden Bear Gateway and made the drive over. It was around 9:15AM by the time we got over there. I counted five cop cars between the ones stationed at the entrances off of Golden Bear Gateway and the ones sitting in the parking lot. That seemed a little extreme – did the opening of Costco really require a heavy police presence? What type of shit are they running here? Is Costco secretly like the Waffle House parking lot at 3AM?

We pulled around to the store and noticed a line of people waiting to get in. I know there’s a diehard fan base of people who live for their Costco trips, but come on. This is insane, right?!?! RIGHT?!?! Or, am I the old man shaking his fist at the sky here? I tentatively counted around 50 people with carts waiting in the sweltering June heat in Tennessee just to get in. It felt like madness, and I was beginning to question what I had gotten myself into. “Let’s just go take a look and see how much a membership costs,” my wife broke the silence of me contemplating my very existence with.

Sure enough, we sat down under a tent with a nice lady who was selling memberships. Before even asking the benefits of each membership, my wife just spouted out “how much?” I swear…she’ll fight me on this…but it was like she already had her debit card in her hand. Not 20 minutes after saying “let’s just scope it out,” the both of us were Costco members. I squinted throughout the process, as they needed our driver’s license, photos, and a form filled out….much more intensive than the process to get a membership at the rival BJ’s just up the road. Not to be dramatic, but they did everything short of waterboard us and set us up for a lie detector test. Nonetheless, we had our shiny new cards, and it was time to enter the store.

I’m not usually a big conspiracy theory guy beyond reading them for story ideas and pure entertainment, but I’m beginning to think there’s some sort of hypnotization that goes one when you walk through that door. I was brainwashed. Immediately, I understood how Costco developed a cult. I turned and found a GoPro for $240. Do I have $240 to spend on a GoPro right now? Absolutely not. But, knowing that I’ve put a lot of SoBros content on hold in recent months to wait until I could get a better camera, the gears were turning. It was literally the first thing I saw when I walked in the door. They got me!

We continued our stroll around the store, simply “scoping things out,” having to convince myself to put the outdoor blanket back because we didn’t need it, and telling myself I didn’t need 24 sponges right now at the same time. It’s a massive store, one that has everything you’d ever need. As the lady that signed us up for our membership said, “everything from diapers to caskets.” For the sake of unbiased and thorough journalism, I wanted to try the famous Costco hot dog. I’ve never had one, but love the memes. However, with the clock ticking away and my boomer ass not being able to figure out how to order the thing from the kiosk, we had to bounce. The waiting area looked like chaos, and I didn’t have the patience for it.

Nevertheless, I can now, in journalistic fashion, confirm that the Costco in Mount Juliet is open, it’s clean, it’s fun, and apparently, it’s a massive deal to a lot of the citizens of the city between the lakes. Oh, and for those curious, this was our haul:

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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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