Tank the 401k: Keep Betting Through It (Again)

We just keep on betting through the bad weeks here on Tank the 401k.

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stoney’s Picks

WOOF – a rough week after another rough week for the Tank the 401k crew. I had to go and open my bigass mouth and talk about what a great start we got off to. Now, look at what’s happening. Our pets’ heads are falling off! Nowhere to go but straight fuckin’ through it. Always betting through it. Never stop. I’m terrified of the college board this week, so I’m going all NFL with this week’s picks.

  • Tampa Bay +1.5 – They’re a complete football team and I’m still terrified to bet anything on the Falcons.
  • Buffalo -1.5 – The Texans have played one good team this year, and they lost that game (to the Vikings) 34-7. Buffalo is a major ‘buy low’ candidate here.
  • Las Vegas +2.5 – Hear me out because this is a super vibes pick. Conventional wisdom says the Raiders just lost to a shitty Browns team while the Broncos are on a 2-0 run to claim the official ‘sicko team of the year’ crown. 2.5 points at home should be EASY MONEY, right!?!?! This is where I go Jedi mind trick and say that’s exactly what they WANT you to think.
  • Giants @ Seahawks, OVER 43.5 – I have no idea what will happen in this game, but I’m confident there’s going to be some points galore.
  • Chiefs -5.5 – I don’t even look at who the Chiefs are playing anymore. I just bet ’em.

McCash’s Picks

  • UNLV -6.5
  • Ohio St. -19.5
  • Ole Miss -10
  • Alabama -23.5
  • Baltimore -2.5

SEASON STATS

  • McCash last week: (1-3)
  • McCash’s 2024 W-L: (13-15) – 46.4%
  • Stoney last week: (2-3)
  • Stoney’s 2024 W-L: (14-11) – 56%
  • SoBros last week: (3-6)
  • SoBros 2024 W-L: (27-26) – 50.9%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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