Here we are, folks – September 18th. This is my favorite time of the year, and it’s my favorite time of the year to camp. You don’t have to worry about it being too hot outside, but you don’t have to worry about wearing eight layers of clothes and sleeping with four of your buddies wrapped up in a tarp by the fire. There’s a nice middle ground here in September and really on into October here in Middle Tennessee, where it’s been known to stay warm on into November.
So, if you’re like me, you’re probably looking forward to the chance to get out into the woods while you can. I don’t currently have any camping trips lined up, but I’m not ruling one out for the fall. As a natural woodsman, I figured I would pass along my most sage advice for those of you who might feel inspired to get outside and sleep in a forest because of this post. Have at it, but be careful – there are certain things in the woods you want to avoid.
Things to Avoid While Camping in the Woods
Poison Ivy – Just don’t test it. I used to tell people all the time that I was immune to poison ivy…because I was. I used to run into it all the time when I was a kid all the way up until I was in college, and I wouldn’t have a single blemish on me. Then, one day, I got drunk in the woods on a fishing day, rolled around in it, and the next thing I knew, it was all over me, head to toe, including in one of my eyeballs. It was three weeks before it cleared up. Don’t be like me and just assume that you are impervious to poison ivy. Avoid it if you can.
Bears – You might think, “yeah, this goes without saying Stoney,” but listen – I have a professional specialty in communication. Sometimes, it might feel stupid, but you just have to put things in plain language and say it out loud for people to understand. In case you don’t already know this, you should not engage with a bear in the woods.
Dead bodies – If you encounter a dead body in the woods, I think the best thing you can do is just avoid it and pretend you didn’t see it. Otherwise, it’s something that has the potential to really disrupt your routine. People will be asking questions. Cops will be wanting you to come in for questioning. You’ll have to be a witness. Who has the time? Best just to avoid it altogether and keep walking.
Approved park restrooms and port-a-potties – I know this seems counterintuitive, but people give park bathrooms hell, much less port-a-potties. I’ve been in a few that have seemed like a war zone. To this day, I can still feel the bile forcing its way up my throat because I stared into the bathroom at Clingman’s Dome outside Gatlinburg three years ago. It was just a hole in the ground that people had been shitting into all day. It was a three-foot tall pile of shit. I don’t have the stomach for that. I sat there and peed all over that pile of poop and wondered what kind of germs swam their way up my urine stream. That’s probably how I got covid in December of 2020 now that I think about it. That’s why I say it’s best to just shit in the woods. Make sure no one’s lookin’ and you should be good. That’s what they don’t tell you when you get to the parks…you don’t technically have to use their bathrooms.
Bigfoot – We just don’t know what they’re capable of.
Wendigo – It eats people and then you become a wendigo yourself. Fuck that! I’m hungry quite a bit already and it feels miserable. Feeling an insatiable hunger for human flesh and human souls sounds like pure torture to me.
Skinwalkers – That is not a transition I would like to make. I’m happy being a human doing my stupid human things. If you come across a deer that is running on its two hind legs, that’s a major tell that something isn’t right. Steer clear of weird shit like that, and you may actually return to civilization. Side note: on a serious note, there is some fun, spooky, ghost story type of stuff out there on the internet about people hearing their name called in the woods – spoiler alert: don’t go near whatever is calling to you.
Hope this helps next time you guys go camping!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, second on Football & Other F Words, analyst for Stacking The Inbox, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, the NFL Draft, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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