Thanks to the advent of HBO MAX, your boy is gearing up for one hell of a Friday night, watching the brand new Mortal Kombat that just dropped. When I first heard that they were doing another Mortal Kombat movie, my initial thought was, “why?” Like…who’s out there asking for this? Is Mortal Kombat still a thing 30 years later? I mean, it definitely seems like one of those things that only nostalgic 30-somethings like myself would be into. Not to mention, how often are video game adaptations actually good? I could probably count those good ones on one hand. So, as you can tell, I was pretty skeptical about this. But then that first trailer dropped and it changed the game. It looks like we’re in for an action-packed story with the characters we grew up with, and they don’t really look all that shitty. Tell me that Sub-Zero and Scorpion don’t look badass!
I re-watched that first movie not too long ago, and me oh my is it bad. Maybe that’s why that sour taste is still in my mouth all these years later. Christopher Lambert as Raiden will never make sense to me. You can try and try again, and it just will not make sense. That is a decision that was made, and that’s probably the best I can say about it. At least that first one was decent enough to pass to a kid Stoney back in 1995. But, it does not hold up at all. AT ALLL. Having that be the bar sets it pretty low for the 2021 movie. So, on top of it actually capturing my attention, I’m going into it with the mindset of “hey – it can’t be any worse than 1995.” I just still can’t believe that we’re talking about Mortal Kombat all these years later.
And, it all started with a video game that was aggressively and brutally violent that all of our parents hated. So, in honor of that, I figured I’d trot out my 10 favorite Mortal Kombat characters from my childhood. And, forgive me, but I stopped giving a shit after Mortal Kombat Trilogy and have no idea who any of the newer characters are.
My Top 10 Mortal Kombat Characters
10. Nightwolf – Yeah, I’m a big Nightwolf guy. An ax with green flames? One that can harness the lightning and project onto his opponents? Sign me the hell up.
9. Baraka – Ugly as sin, Baraka sure isn’t anything to look at, but you don’t need to be a looker when you’ve got literal swords coming out of your arms that you can impale people with.
8. Jade – Keep your Kitana and Mileena all you want. Give me Jade and her staff all day long. Y’all remember that fatality she had in which she’d just stab you with it and then just shake your body around until it exploded? That shit was traumatic and I loved it.
7. Kung Lao – Was Kung Lao cool because he was throwing around a hat that could chop someone’s head off? Yes. Absolutely. I will not pretend to make up some excuse otherwise.
6. Smoke – Y’know, I’ll say it – I don’t think Smoke gets enough recognition among the ninjas of the Mortal Kombat universe. I mean, hell – in his robot form, he had a fatality that would literally blow up the world. Give this man his respect.
5. Raiden – Down up, down up all over the place, bitches! Back, back forward – you’re cooked. Raiden was the best dude to play as back in the day because he was so hard to beat. Please don’t put Christopher Lambert in this new movie.
4. Scorpion – “Get over here” is an all-time classic in Mortal Kombat lore, but don’t sleep on the fire-breathing fatality either. Scorpion is one of the OGs of the brand.
3. Sub-Zero – It’s a real toss-up between Sub-Zero and Scorpion for me. Ultimately, I land on Sub-Zero because his overall move set was cooler. I can’t tell you how any people I froze and uppercutted into a million pieces in my days.
2. Reptile – You guys argue about Sub-Zero and Scorpion and you completely lose sight of Reptile, who could spit acid and turned into a literal giant lizard. As far as I know, Skrillex wasn’t doing anyone else’s song either.
1. Goro – Maybe this is a curveball, but there’s something mythical about Goro that has always intrigued me. Goro brings that goliath element to the table. I can remember playing the very first game, and getting those sweaty palms, feeling that ‘big fight feel’ when it was time to take this sumbitch on. He is truly a monster, and that always made him feel larger than life. He was kind of a badass when it came to ripping people in half and shit, too.
Let me know who some of your favorite characters are down in the comments below, and be sure to subscribe to The Vick’s Flicks Podcast to catch our review of Mortal Kombat in the coming days!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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