Tank the 401k Gambling Picks: 9/8/21

Stan, Steven, and Stoney are back for another week of wasting their money on Tank the 401k.

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stan’s Picks

2-2-1 to start the year. Not ideal. Not horrible. I’m not going to lie – five picks is WAYYYY harder than three. Week 1 left me with a few questions like is Rutgers back? Is Clemson no longer good at football? Am I going to hurt my bookie’s feelings when I bankrupt him this week? All questions we should have answers to shortly… Week 2. Buckle up….

BOISE ST -26. Everything about this game says UTEP but we all know what that means. TRAP game.
Tennessee +3.5 – Pittsburgh has single handedly tanked my 401k over the years. This is my redemption game.
Rutgers -2. Are they back??
Dallas Cowboys + 8. Can’t wait for the Tom Brady “is it time he hangs em up” comments.
Jacksonville Jaguars -2.5. Trevor Lawrence. That’s the reason.

Steven’s Picks

Titans -3 – The road to the Super Bowl begins with a home date against the Cardinals. If the offense can get on the same page after some key pieces missed time due to Covid they should come away with the W
GB/NO over 50 – Saints no longer have Drew Brees and the Jameis Winston era begins at home and on the road at the same time. Saints have a tough defense but it’s Aaron Freaking Rodgers. The Pack build an early lead causing the Saints to play catch up. Over 50 for the win
South Carolina pickem – Simply put, I flipped a coin three times and the Cocks we’re on top 2 out 3.
Memphis-5 – Butch Jones has the Red Wolves on the right track but Memphis’ defense will prove too much for Arkansas State
Texas -6.5 – I’m jumping on the “Texas is back” bandwagon and think the Longhorns will make quick work of the Razorbacks.

Stoney’s Picks

I hate my life. No worse hot takes in the internet game than right here – “Vanderbilt won’t finish last in the SEC East,” “Sam Howell’s Heisman campaign begins tonight,” “Bret Bielema has Illinois headed in the right direction.” FML. My picks last week weren’t any better. At least I had the Vols failing to cover to save me from a donut. But, like the old adage says, the only way to dig yourself out of a hole is to just keep digging. So, let’s right the ship in Week 2.

Georgia -24.5 – No doubt that UAB has been built into a respectable program, but I think Georgia will let out a sigh of relief after that Clemson game, play a lot looser, and their talent level will take over, punishing the Blazers in the process.
Texas A&M -16.5 – I like this playoff contender to travel to Colorado and make a statement.
Kentucky -5.5 – Looks like the Wildcats finally have a passing game! Watch out, SEC East (said only slightly tongue in cheek)…if that dynamic offense can translate from ULM to a quality SEC rival, I expect Kentucky to win this one comfortably with its revamped offense.
Bucs ML – The safest bet in all of sports just may be the defending Super Bowl champ winning the Thursday night kickoff game the following season. That eight point spread scares the hell out of me, though. Just take the money line and count it.
Cowboys-Bucs, OVER 52 – Fuck it, it’s the season kickoff. Two of the best offenses in the game. Let’s get some fireworks going.

SEASON STATS

Stan last week: (2-2-1)
Stan’s 2021 W-L: (2-2-1) – 50%
Steven last week: (1-2-2)
Steven’s 2021 W-L: (1-2-2) – 33%
Stoney last week: (1-4)
Stoney’s 2021 W-L: (1-4) – 20%
SoBros last week: (4-6-3) – 40%
SoBros 2021 W-L: (4-6-3) – 40%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley