Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter, email ’em to me anonymously at thesobrosnetwork@gmail.com. And, holy shit, I need to update this terrible intro paragraph that I’ve been using literally ever since I started writing this column…
Question:
You’re running the Celebrity Death Match reboot. What celebrities are you pitting against each other?
— Steven McCash (@MC_Cash75) September 9, 2021
Answer:
First of all, we gotta run Jake Paul vs. Logan Paul. That’s a no-brainer. We’re going to start with that and get the crowd all hot. Then, we’re going to run Nicki Minaj vs. Cardi B. If we can work in a 4th contest, we’re going to roll with Scarlett Johannson vs. Kevin Feige – but, I think usually the episodes only had three fights, right? Anyway – the main event: The Rock vs. Vin Diesel, easy, and Dwayne’s gonna stomp that mf.
Question:
If you were forced to get one type of plastic surgery, what would you get done?
— Tom Hanks & the Guilty Pleasures (@SoBroCadbury) September 9, 2021
Answer:
Well, first of all, I really hope I’m never in a situation that FORCES me to get some sort of plastic surgery, or I’m going to end up living in the basement of an opera house somewhere. Gun to my head, though – I think I’m going to get some new teeth. I don’t have a long list of regrets in my life, but I do regret never getting braces. I was presented with the option when I was a kid, but the dentist said they wouldn’t be necessary. Considering I was a shy and scared kid, I didn’t want anything about me to stand out. I wanted to go to school and, by and large, be invisible. So, I opted to just keep my mouth closed all the time. Now that I’m 35 years old and making videos on the internet, I look at my teeth and think “Stoney, you fucking dumbass kid.”
Question:
What nfl team is a lock this week in a survivor pool?
— sobrostan (@sobrostan) September 9, 2021
Answer:
I think the safest pick is probably the San Francisco 49ers this week, but if you’re in the business of trying to pick teams that you might not be able to pick again and want to save the actual good teams ’til you need ’em, I’ll put this out there: this may be one of just two weeks this season that you’ll be able to select the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Question:
Which universal monster do you identify with?
— Jesse (@RighteousJesse) September 10, 2021
Name something you wish was served at the concession stand at the movies.
Answer:
Man, put some motherfucking Golden Flake chips in movie theaters. If I allowed them to be, the ‘Sweet Heat’ and ‘HOT’ flavors would be my demise. Undoubtedly my two favorite snacks on the planet, and you can’t even find ’em in every grocery store in the area! What the hell happened to the Golden Flake brand? That shit used to mean something in the south. There shouldn’t be a grocery store or convenience store south of DC and east of the Mississippi River that doesn’t carry Golden Flake products. Okay, my rant’s over.
Man, at the risk of getting way too deep and philosophical on the SoBros Mailbag, I think one of the reasons that the Universal monsters have become so synonymous with American pop culture is the breaks of humanity that tremble out of each character. For me, it was always the Wolf Man – not saying I’ve ever felt like turning into a werewolf and slashing people open…but the Wolf Man’s condition always resonated with me because he had this monster within him that he couldn’t control. To me, it’s an adequate metaphor for mental health. I have rough nights sometimes – I start second-guessing myself, doubting myself, and sometimes, it even drives me to anger. I’m usually such an optimistic and laid back person that it feels like I’m outside of myself with no control over my emotions. It’s not often, but it happens – and I just have to sleep it off and wake up as my usual self. In that regard, the anxiety and the imposter syndrome I face sometimes feels like my Wolf Man.
Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.
