I’m a full-fledged Southern man. I’m somewhat amazed that it’s 2015 and, to some, that still means I don’t talk too good. To some, it means I’m behind the times. Maybe your perception of me is that I’m nice and polite, or illiterate and constantly spouting my slack-jawed hickspeak with my cowboy hat on.
That’s all well and good. That’s the beautiful thing about this country – we all have our opinions.
I, for one, am proud to come from a region that has produced such fine institutions, people, and products such as SEC football, hot chicken, FedEx, Matthew McConaughey, and hay rides.
(Disclaimer: I’m not entirely sure about the hay rides, but I figure the South has a shit ton of hay, and it would make sense that a Southern person thought “let’s load this stuff up in a trailer full of people and haul it around the farm with a tractor.” That’s how we do research here at the SoBros Network.)
Anyway, my girlfriend hails from the great Garden State of New Jersey. I’ve visited this majestic land on several occasions. It’s great – you get to eat pizza and Chinese food the likes of which are unattainable in the South. They have this magical meat called pork roll, which is the most savory meat on the planet when served on an everything bagel with egg and cheese.
Pair that with the fact that most neighborhoods have a watering hole within walking distance, and you’re left with the feeling of a harmonious melody combining the sounds of Bruce Springsteen and Lynyrd Skynyrd.
But, there was one unforeseen difference between Tennessee and New Jersey that really floored me, and I simply will not stand for it. Hence, this call to arms that I’m writing today.
In my deep affection for the South, it’s time I spoke openly and honestly about an area where we, as a region, are failing miserably. This is an issue that requires one of America’s finest institutions taking accountability for their lack of oversight. This is an issue that middle Tennesseans are clamoring to find resolution for.
That issue is that our Dunkin’ Donuts suck in comparison to those of the Northeast.
I live in the Nashville area – I know of six area Dunkin’ Donuts location, and have visited five of them. I have been disappointed by exactly five of them.
Whether it’s not having tuna for a tuna melt (and don’t give me shit for getting tuna at a Dunkin’ Donuts – it is delectable), running out of biscuits, or forgetting to heat up my sausage, egg, & cheese croissant, something always seems to send my planned snackage off the rails.
But, that, I can deal with. I’m a patient man, and DD, you aren’t a deli. Biscuits, tuna, and microwaves aren’t your advertised specialty. Ultimately, none of this ever stopped me from eating something that one of your employees concocted at your establishment.
What I can’t deal with is waiting 15 minutes to get awful coffee. For a while, I thought this was the norm – that DD just had bad coffee, but I could mask it with enough cream, sugar, and coconut flavoring. Again, I’m a pretty laid back guy. I can eat and drink pure garbage for sustenance and continue my existence uninterrupted.
I’ve literally parked in a DD drive-thru before. Why? Because I ordered a chicken biscuit, and they hadn’t prepared any biscuits that day (at 8:30 AM). I’ve pleasantly engaged DD employees only to be talked to as if I speak a different language. I’ve ordered a Boston Kreme donut, told they were all sold out of those, and then pointed to the Boston Kreme donuts behind said cashier to prove they do indeed have some.
Some of these people act as if they strolled down the mountain out of their plywood shacks to serve dirt coffee to middle Tennesseans. That was hateful, and I’ll take this opportunity to apologize to hillbillies everywhere. My emotions just got out of control.
Maybe if we paid these people $15 an hour, the issue would dissipate (right? That’s how it works, no?). Okay – that’s a completely separate issue, and I’m straying from my point.
My point is – this was all just the status quo for me, and formed my broad perception of Dunkin’ Donuts as a whole. Then, I stopped at one with my girlfriend in New Jersey, and was blown away.
“Blown away” is actually quite the understatement. It was one of those transcendent life moments where you realize how small you are in the universe.
I distinctly remember ordering my coffee with a dash of hazelnut flavoring, cream, and 2 Sweet-N-Lows. What I was given in exchange for my $2 tasted like pure ecstasy (yes, literally – the hard street drug ecstasy…not to be confused with euphoric joy) crafted by the Colombian coffee gods.
On top of that, the cashier was courteous and to the point.
Employee: “Thanks for coming in. What can I get you?”
Me: “Some coconut coffee.”
Employee: “Give me some money, and I’ll give you shit you ain’t even know about.”
That’s a rough paraphrase of how it went down. I wasn’t judged for the odd flavors I choose for my morning coffee. No one acted like an ass. Both parties were, I imagine, satisfied with the overall transaction. Kind of like:
I think the crux of the issue is simple – the New Jersey natives take their coffee very seriously, and they don’t let rednecks operate Dunkin’ Donuts. How can the greater Nashville area get to this point? That’s the question we should be writing our representatives.
I urge you all to conduct town hall meetings to extensively analyze this important social and economic issue.
Oh, and if you think I’m over exaggerating this issue? There are cops in New Jersey literally driving into the building to get to that fresh brewed gold:
Dunkin’ Donuts, please, give us the peace we middle Tennesseans need to sleep at night.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
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