Credit to WKRN 2 here in Nashville for breaking this gem of a story a few days ago. Here are the highlights of their report:
“Police say a man who was caught urinating in a Clarksville Walmart, while trying to stuff a package of trout in his trousers, told an officer he wasn’t concerned about being charged because the offenses were only misdemeanors.”
Alright – so, let’s break this down. Why did this happen? The answer is simple: the desire for trout ousted the fear of consequence for stealing. I’m not a trout guy, so I have hard time relating to this. The best I can equate it to is the rage felt when looking forward to a cold beer after a hard day on the job, only to find the fridge is empty. Yes, “rage” is the appropriate term. So, you know what? I can definitely see how minor inconveniences can lead to misdemeanors.
Also, props to this guy for remaining calm and rational. I can’t imagine what would be going through my mind had I just soaked the floor with my urine and stuffed fish down my pants. I think I’d be a little uneasy at the very least – more likely, really confused and disoriented, bordering on ‘probably just suffered a mental collapse.’ Not this man – no, he basically offered up a firm “whatever” in response to being arrested.
Shoplifting, vandalism, indecent exposure, public intoxication – meh, been there, done that. It’s nothing worth writing home about.
The report continues:
“Police records indicate a Walmart clerk told an officer [the man] was seen urinating on the sales floor near the alcohol while trying to put the package of trout in his pants, and he tried to leave the store without paying.”
The story reports that the guy is 56 years old. As I’m approaching old age (currently 29 years old), I can certainly understand how urination can occur involuntarily. That’s my theory – he didn’t actually mean to piss, but once it happened, he just had to roll with it. No need getting hot, either – it’s just a misdemeanor! I remember a few years ago, a greeter at Wal-Mart and I shared a chit-chat about the cold weather, and he told me, “oh, I don’t like it – it makes me have to use the bathroom. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Guess what! I’m older now and realize the truth of that. When you get old, the cold squeezes your bladder. If you step outside during the months of January or February, you’re going to urinate somewhere. So, in essence, I’m saying the frozen fish probably triggered this reaction.
Then, at that point, what’s a man to do? Of course he’s not going to want to pay for urine-soaked trout! By the same token, should he put it back on the shelf? No – this was an accident, and the man was performing his civil duty.
Finally:
“It was not immediately clear if Wylie had a lawyer.”
At first this seems laughable – who would believe a man gallivanting around stealing trout and pissing on Wal-Mart floors would have a lawyer at the ready? Well, I’m not laughing. This guy had a firm knowledge of the judicial system. He understood that such offenses weren’t that serious.
This is a man who clearly has his priorities in order.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
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